The Dance of Life

New Beginnings

2012-01-11T18:37:00.000-05:00

Last night I attended a local Christian writers' group meeting and our topic was "new beginnings". It had been a couple of years since I had last attended, so this was an appropriate night for me to return. The following is my reflection on the topic of "new beginnings":

A new beginning can encompass a completely new endeavor or a fresh start at one which was previously attempted or enjoyed. I thought about the farmers who plant again every year. It is a sign of perseverance and faith that they will reap a harvest. A child learning to ride a bike needs to begin anew each time he or she gets on the bicycle until he or she can ride successfully without falling. I have desired to write more frequently so coming again to this writers' group is my act of faith and perseverance.

A new beginning can also be a new way of doing a previous skill or ministry. A neighbour and I are going to start praying together for our neighbours next week. She told me that twenty years ago she used to have such a time of prayer for the neighbours.

A new beginning is not the end or conclusion of a matter, but rather the first steps on a journey, in a process; or as a foundation for other new beginnings to be built upon. On Sunday, an elder at my church preached about a vision for a new outreach to the young families that are moving to Bradford. As he spoke, my heart was stirred to pray for this new planning committee and their plans and procedures. I have a passion to mentor and come alongside younger moms and this outreach will target those very families. By praying for this committee, and later for the actual outreach, I am laying a foundation. It is not the end goal just to have more young families, but for them to come to faith in Jesus and grow in their walk with God. Other future beginnings will be the various ministries to meet those very needs.

I can attempt new beginnings with the confidence that the outcomes are in God's hands. Should a first attempt not work out, I can always begin again in a new or different way.

Spiritual Insight

2011-09-20T10:15:00.002-04:00

"God gave Solomon wisdom and very great insight, and a breadth of understanding as measureless as the sand on the seashore." (1Kings 4:29 NIV)

God is the one who gives insight.

"I have more insight than all my teachers, for I meditate on your statutes." Psalm 119:99 NIV)

Insight is gained through careful study and thought of God's Word. It is not through scholarly study, but rather contemplating what the scripture says and means, and what my response should be.

"My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge." Proverbs 5:1,2 NIV)

Wisdom and insight go hand in hand. They result in discretion and knowledge when they are not only considered, but heeded and put into practice.

"There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord." Proverbs 21:30 NIV)

Wisdom and insight are to function in accordance with God's Word and His will.

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ- to the glory and praise of God." Philippians 1:9-11 NIV)

Knowledge and insight are the guardians or parameters of love and how we can discern what is best. There are often many options of good, but only one is best. The true test or characteristic of the best is if it leads us to be pure and blameless and filled with the fruit of righteousness. We will be more fruitful and exhibit the fruit of the Spirit when we apply knowledge and insight, and choose the best over the many good options. This will bring praise and glory to God. It is only through Jesus that we can do this. It is not in our own strength or ability, but rather relying on and surrendering to Jesus.

"Reflect on what I am saying, for the Lord will give you insight into all this." 2Timothy 2:7 NIV)

God does give us insight.

I AM ...You are

2011-09-14T10:49:00.000-04:00

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:9,10 (NIV)

I went to great lengths for you. It took great effort. I did this because of My burning passion and unquenchable desire for you. I have decreed and proclaimed that you are Mine. I give you life, meaning and purpose. It is in relation to Me that you have your true self - for I AM and you are. You are My servant - responsible and accountable to Me. You are to serve others by putting them first, their needs ahead of yours.

I took you, called you and chose you for Myself. I did not reject you. I did not leave you behind or overlook you. I have kept you in mind; you are not out of My thoughts. I have not forgotten you. Do not allow anxiety or fear or worry to prevent you from fulfilling My plan and purpose for you. Don't be discouraged, don't give up!

Remember who I AM. I AM your God. All that I AM is available to be experienced on your behalf. I AM all-powerful. My power is available to work on your behalf, strengthening you. I will empower you and enable you to do those things I have called you to do. I will come alongside you. All that I do is right, just and good. My favour will be upon you as you rely on my strength and power.

A Blue Sportjacket

2010-09-23T11:45:00.001-04:00

"So, I tell you, don't worry about everyday life - whether you have enough food, drink, and clothes. Doesn't life consist of more than food and clothing? Look at the birds. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than they are. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not. And why worry about your clothes? Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you? You have so little faith! So don't worry about having food or drink or clothing. Why be like the pagans who are so deeply concerned about these things? Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern." Matthew 6: 25-33 (NLT)

My husband Dan wanted to purchase a sportjacket for quite some time to wear as an alternative to a two-piece suit. Over the years he has looked in many of the men's stores and he did not find one that was suitable for him.

The annual business meeting for Dan's work was last evening and again Dan expressed his desire for a sportjacket. I mentioned to him that I had seen several sportjackets when I was recently in Global Village, our local second-hand store. I suggested that he check there. Dan later told me, that on his way to Global Village he asked God for a blue sportjacket.

Dan saw a blue sportjacket and tried it on; it was a perfect fit. It was as if that jacket had been made specially for Dan, with the right length of sleeves and body. An interesting fact about the jacket is that it was made in Ukraine and Dan is of Ukrainian descent! When Dan went to pay for his blue sportjacket he was informed that it was half-price day so his sportjacket cost less than $5.00! God already knew Dan's need and I believe He orchestrated the donation of this blue sportjacket and Dan purchasing it.

My Final Six Month Check Up

2010-07-15T14:52:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I had my regular six month check up with the oncologist, in the new Stronach Regional Cancer Centre in Newmarket. This was quite a change from the informal temporary offices of the oncologists. The foyer of the new centre reminded me of Sunnybrook Health Sevices Centre in Toronto. I had a flood of memories when I first entered the building until even after I had left.

At the reception desk I stated my name and presented my health card. The receptionist confirmed my information and then took a photo of me with a small digital camera for my medical records. She gave me a form to fill out rating the severity of various symptoms and told me to go upstairs to the waiting area where a nurse would then call me.

After several minutes a nurse approached me introducing herself, took my completed form and weighed me. She then led me to an examination room where I sat in a chair while she took my blood pressure and pulse with a machine. I am very familiar with these machines as they were often used when I was a patient in the hospital; and when I was having my chemotherapy sessions in the cancer clinic. The nurse noted the results, asked me further questions and then entered my responses into the computer. This was very "high tech" compared to the handwritten notes that the oncologist had done in the past.

After the nurse left I waited a few minutes and then the oncologist, who was filling in, came to see me. He examined me and checked my chart on the computer. He asked me a few questions including whether my oncologist had ever ordered a CT scan for me. As he did not see one having occurred, he said that he would order one to have as a baseline reference. I told him, that at my previous appointment, my oncologist had said that providing my levels remained good I could then be on a yearly call-back. He agreed saying that he would order a CT scan to be done next year when I return for a follow-up appointment. I was to wait in the waiting area for the necessary paperwork.

Again I had to wait several minutes until I finally asked the nurse about the paperwork as she was walking by me. She led me to an area that was adjacent to the waiting area. There was a nurse there who I recognized as one who had cared for me a couple of times while I had my chemotherapy sessions. I also recognized one of the nurses at the desk as she had once worked in the cancer clinic. I mentioned that to her and said that she probably would not recognize me since I did not look the same. She agreed on the changes in patients once they are now healthy. She gave me a copy of the CT requisition as well as the blood work requisition form. The CT scan will be booked for June 2011 and then I will have my follow-up appointment in July 2011.

The Lord's Wonderful Deeds

2010-03-24T12:00:00.003-04:00

I have been in a time of rest and refreshment, like being at a spiritual spa. God massaged out the knots of worry, anxiety and turmoil, and massaged in the oil of the Holy Spirit. His peace, contentment and trust have been worked into my spiritual muscles. As I have read through my journals of the past few years I really do see a big difference in me. I am more confident; I am more peaceful; I am definitely more mature in my responses and reactions.

I have been rejuvenated. I have taken ventures that I would not have taken before and they were not insurmountable. Once I ventured into a new area it seemed as if I had always done that activity; I did not feel strange or awkward. It is much like fluid that fills up the space that opens to it.

I know that this has been a time of deep healing; old wounds have been healed and God has restored the primary relationships in my life. Instead of setting them off course, the transformation I have undergone has drawn others to me. I am comfortable in being me. I have no unfulfilled longings. I have such a deep sense of peace. I am content in who I am. I am content in my life.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. Let the redeemed of the Lord say this-those he redeemed from the hand of the foe...Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things...He sent forth His word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave. " Psalm 107:1,2,8,9,20 (NIV)

Giving Up R.U.B.

2010-03-21T15:53:00.001-04:00

We are in the ecclesiastical season leading up to Good Friday, which is referred to as Lent. Often people talk about what they are giving up for Lent. I was thinking about this and I believe that God calls us to an ongoing giving up of things in our journey of becoming more like Jesus.

As I have read through my journals from the past few years I can trace my journey of giving up r.u.b., also known as resentment, unforgiveness and bitterness.The Lord had convicted me of my need to get rid of r.u.b., along with any desire for revenge. Psalm 55 taught the proper response of casting all one's cares onto the Lord, including those related to being betrayed and hurt by close friends. I needed to release those feelings of r.u.b. to the Lord and not supress them. I also desired that God would have control of my anger. I had an impression that others' sins against me were like chains on my ankles; when I forgave them, the chains fell off my ankles.

I had another impression that I had a heavy object on my lap which represented my r.u.b. toward another. I needed to give this to God and then, with outstretched arms, I was able to receive all that God had for me. Others could not repay me for the hurt they had caused me; God was able to repay over and above. When I worshipped the Lord for who He is, it took the focus off myself; my pain; my situation. It freed me from r.u.b., as well as any anger.

"My companion attacks his friends; he violates his covenant. His speech is smooth as butter, yet war is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords. Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55: 20-22 (NIV)

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:31,32 (NIV)

"So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you." 1 Peter 5: 6,7 (NLT)

I am a Child of God

2010-02-26T21:46:00.000-05:00

Over the past few years God has shown me who I am as His child:.

I belong to God.
I am to please God and not be a people-pleaser.
I am known by God.
I only have to tell the truth; God will defend me.
I am approved by God. I do not need man's approval.
I was made for God Himself.
I don't need to figure things out.
I am "me"; I only need to be that. My worth and value come from God.
I can have confidence and be confident.
I am to identify myself by who I am in Christ, not by what is lacking in my life.
I have the approval and acceptance of the Creator of the universe. I have the praise of God. God wants me to be constant in Him. It won't matter if I am publicly praised or if I am abandoned, I will derive my full worh, sense and value from my relationship with God.
I am connected with the God of the universe; that is the greatest connection that there is. While I would like others to seek to be with me, I can rejoice and be content that the God who created me has sought me.
I don't need to be involved in a ministry to validate my sense of worth. God loves me and I am secure in that love.
I am free to enjoy what God has given me; to make use of these gifts to their full potential.
When I know "Whose" I am, I am able to act in a way that reflects that relationship. I am then secure in my position and I can freely give without requiring a positive response, knowing that it is God who will give me a great reward. I would rather be rewarded by God than by a mere human.

"We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in him." 1 John 4:13-16 (NIV)

Reflections On A New Year

2010-01-08T10:59:00.014-05:00

I struggled with making a big deal of the ending of one year and the beginning of another; it seemed so artificial. The phrase "the year of the Lord's favor" came to mind so I decided to read the corresponding Biblical passage to gain insight.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor" Isaiah 61:1-2a (NIV)

What I sensed is that a new year is symbolic to a fresh start. Days, weeks, months and years are for our benefit to mark time; special events; and significant happenings. God is not bound by time. He is outside of time. God will work within time to bring about His will, if it is in accordance with His timeless plan. God can bring about change and answers to situations we have been praying about at any time. He does not have to wait for a particular day, month or year, as if that time has the power to unlock the answer. Sometimes God acts in accordance with significant dates, days, months, holidays or years, to drive home something about its importance in our lives.

"As God's fellow workers we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain. For he says, 'In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.' I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation." 2 Corinthians 6:1,2 (NIV)

Evolving Hairstyle

2009-11-20T13:43:00.026-05:00

When my hair was so curly it needed to be trimmed on a regular basis. Initially the curls just got bigger as my hair grew and they would stick out. There were times before a needed haircut when I thought the long "wings" resembled a clown's hairstyle!

Now that the curls have relaxed to waves, I have started growing my hair into a bob. My daughter Joy has frequently trimmed my hair to eliminate the layers. Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I think I would fit right in with the "Fab Four" 1960's Beatles!

I can have different looks depending on the weather. On days that have humidity in the air, my hair will again be curlier than on cool dry days. Sometimes the waves feather back to give me more of a 1970's hairstyle!

When my hair has finally reached the desired length I will go to the salon where Joy is a hairdresser. I will want her to shape the bob into a flattering modern hairstyle. There are days that I get frustrated with my hair at this in-between stage and I feel like getting it layered again. Joy reassures me that the growing out of layers will be worth it and I again look forward to the resulting hairstyle.

Remembrance Day

2009-11-11T14:41:00.010-05:00

Ready
Experienced
Men and Women
Engaged in combat
Medals
Bravery
Reliable
Available
New recruits
Committed
Endurance

Dedicated
Armed Forces
Young and old

Autumn Reflections

2009-10-08T08:36:00.004-04:00

Autumn is a season that teases:

it is mild and sunny;

then cold and dreary.

Summer revisits and gives us balmy days.

Winter makes an early call,

to prepare us for what is to come.

Flowers still bloom,

until they are killed by the frost.

Birds of all kinds come to our feeders.

Squirrels take their turn,

until they are scared away by our dog.

A Victorian Birthday Tea

2009-10-07T09:58:00.019-04:00

A year ago I had emailed my sisters the idea of having a birthday tea for my fiftieth birthday. I was so overjoyed at having survived ovarian cancer, that I wanted this birthday to be a special celebration. I wanted to celebrate with the women and girls who have been a part of my life. I left the details up to my sisters, Gayle and Brenda, knowing they would have some good ideas.

As the day grew closer I started to worry about where Gayle was going to put all the women if it rained, so I hoped and prayed for good weather. The other worry was what she was going to do with her large dog. When I inquired about the dog I was told not to worry and "Don't ask any questions".

My mom and daughter Joy went on ahead to help Gayle and Brenda set up and greet the guests. My husband Dan and I were to arrive at 2:15 PM, which would give the guests time to arrive before me. As we were driving south to Aurora, I questioned why we had not turned to go our usual way to Gayle's. Dan answered that we would go this other way so we would not arrive too early. I then said maybe we should not have left so soon.

Once we arrived in Aurora, Dan slowed the car and stopped in front of Hillary House and said I was to get out there. Hillary House is a Victorian home that is owned by the local historical society. There were yellow balloons lining the walkway, and two young women came out of the house to greet me. I walked in the door and Gayle called out to me "Come up here". I was overwhelmed with emotion when I entered the room and saw everyone sitting at tables. I started to cry and I exclaimed that I was glad that I had not worn mascara! I was so surprised; it was definitely more than I had even hoped or imagined!

There were four tables of friends, and relatives. My sisters-in-law, nieces, aunt and female cousins, along with our young grand-nephew joined in the celebration. All sides of the family were represented, which was special since family is important to me. There were friends from my former church, St. Paul's Presbyterian in Nobleton; women who I had served alongside. Our children used to play together while we mothers shared our trials and triumphs of raising young children. Also there were friends from my present church, Bradford Baptist; women who have prayed with me and for me on my journey of overcoming ovarian cancer. There were other friends too, including someone I have known for over 30 years.

The tables were set with white tablecloths; matching china teacups and saucers; and glass plates. In the centre of each table was a small vase with two sunflowers, which are the symbol of Ovarian Cancer Canada. A small photo album was on each table, so the women could catch a glimpse of different seasons of my life, including my journey of overcoming ovarian cancer.

My mom introduced herself, my sisters Gayle and Brenda, and my daughter Joy; and then prayed a blessing on our food and time together. We started off with punch and dainty sandwiches, sweet pickles, celery sticks and fancy-cut carrot sticks.

Gayle asked for the ladies' attention while she, Joy and Brenda shared some tea related thoughts. My sisters then shared how different teas reflect my qualities or quirks:

" Country peach passion: The name itself brings to mind your passion for God that keeps ripening. Your faith through the last 2 years especially is an inspiration to us."

"Wild Raspberry: A lightly sweet and fragrant blend...like wild raspberry tea, your life is a sweet blend of family, church, community, friends and personal time."

"Green tea: Simply 100% pure and natural...like green tea, you find refreshment in simple and pure experiences such as baking, homemaking, writing and dancing."

"Mint refresher" a cool, invigorating beverage... like this tea, you embraced the idea of getting fit through invigorating walks and workouts at Curves"

"Earl Grey: a favourite in North America and Britain...Debbie likes Pride and Prejudice (the movie and the book) so much she must have a higher content of British blood in her than the rest of us!"

"Orange Pekoe: Tetley, there's nothing quite like it...Debbie, there's no one quite like you!"

The tea theme continued with a "Fabulous Fifty" scrapbook containing teacup shaped memories, scriptures or words of encouragement that each of the ladies had filled out ahead of time. My sisters had also bought an ivory teapot that everyone signed with indelible ink.

I thanked the ladies for coming and expressed my joy of not only reaching this milestone but also of being healthy. Everyone clapped and I did too; it was an automatic response. I was so full of joy!

We then had our dessert of squares; mini butter tarts; and cookies, along with tea or coffee. I moved about from table to table visiting with as many people as I could. I was overwhelmed to have so many friends and loved ones in the same room, all there to celebrate my 50th birthday. This truly was a birthday to remember.

Simple Praise

2009-09-02T10:06:00.005-04:00

"I will sing to the Lord because he has been so good to me." Psalm 13:6 (NLT)

This verse stood out on account of its simplicity.

God has been so good to me, therefore I will sing to Him.
It is a natural outflow from a grateful heart.
It is very personal because the goodness of God has been directed towards me as an individual.
The response wells up from within me to sing forth praise to the Lord.
There are no requirements or restrictions as to time or place or positioning
I can sit; stand; kneel; lie on my bed
I can be alone or in the company of others
It can be first thing in the morning; midday; evening; or in the middle of the night

What a simple way to thank God for the good things He has done for me!

Life Goes On

2009-08-29T09:36:00.021-04:00

"Life goes on" can be said with a heavy heart that is burdened with cares; but I choose to say "Life goes on" as a declaration of praise! I recently had another 6 month checkup with the oncologist. My CA 125 count is 7 (normal is 0 - 35); it was originally 4095 when I was diagnosed with Stage 3 ovarian cancer in September 2007. My next followup appointment with be in January 2010.

It is as if I have re-entered my life anew as a wife, mother and homemaker. I have a greater desire to live my life in a purposeful and organized manner. I want to rid my home of the unnecessary items that can accumulate over time. By nature I am a pack rat, but that is due to my desire to be prepared for any eventuality that could possibly occur!

These are some of the ways that I have culled; organized; and made use of things:

chest freezer: multiple bags of bread crusts - made into bread crumbs; frozen berries- used to make smoothies; questionable leftovers - discarded in green bin; multiple bags of pizza dough scraps - made into two large pizzas

canned goods, dry goods and other ingredients on hand - used to create meals and baked goods

bags of donated fabric: Christmas fabric I won't make use of - donated to a seniors' centre craft program; I discovered a baby's cloth book pattern - I will make it for a gift, using my cache of sewing notions

There are still areas to go over and items to cull, but since "Life goes on" I will have the time and ability to do that.

Be Faithful

2009-06-16T10:45:00.006-04:00

"Be faithful. Don't compare yourself with the efforts of others." God spoke these words to my heart. It is easy for me to get discouraged if I compare myself with others who are more gifted than me in certain areas. In some areas of my life I have been given a lot, while in other areas I have only been given a little. I need to be faithful to use the "little", as well as be faithful to use the "lot".

These are the words that came to mind when I thought about what it means to be faithful.

Fervent
Available
Involved
Truthful
Holy
Focused
Undivided
Loving

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." Luke 16:10 (NIV)

Mementos of Hope

2009-06-03T11:45:00.038-04:00

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)

Recently, I noticed again the many mementos of "Hope" that others had given me while I was undergoing treatment for ovarian cancer. My mind went back to the times when hope was needed to carry me through and to continue trusting in God for healing.

My sisters had designed a beige baseball cap with the word "Hope" embroidered on it for the first "mini-walk of hope" they had organized. The "O" is a stylized sunflower, which is the symbol of Ovarian Cancer Canada. http://www.ovariancanada.org/ I now wear this hat when I do yard work.

At the suggestion of a blog reader, my sisters had contacted "The Lydia Project" and arranged for them to send me one of their bags. Mine is a small fabric bag with the word "Hope" embroidered on it. It contained many items including words of hope and encouragement. http://www.thelydiaproject.org/ I now use this bag to carry my shoes and water bottle to "Curves".

A friend gave me an angel figurine by "Eden's Angels" called "Hope"; her arms are folded against her chest as in prayer. I have this figurine displayed in my living room along with another angel called "Freedom", which she gave me the day after I finished my treatments.

I have a white t-shirt with the word Hope on it, which was from the first "mini-walk of hope" that my sisters had organized. I also have a yellow t-shirt with the same symbol on it from last year's "mini-walk of hope". I now wear these t-shirts when I exercise at "Curves".

When I was again hospitalized this past fall, my sister gave me her "Hope" word sculpture. My sisters again hoped for healing and this represented their hope for me. I now have that sculpture displayed in my living room.

I am thankful for these mementos of "Hope" for they act as reminders of the faithfulness of God.

"What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

The Day A Goat Rode "Shotgun"

2009-05-14T13:08:00.007-04:00

It was a late spring afternoon leading up to Easter. We were living on a hundred acre farm in a little house on a hill. We rented two of the acres including the house, while the remaining acreage was rented by farmers for cash crops. The neighbour to the north had a hundred acre farm with cattle and a dog kennel business. The neighbour across the road had an estate home on a large acreage with a horse barn and arena for English riding. The property to the south had been subdivided into four with a shared access to a private airstrip.

Two of my children were at school, while the youngest was having his afternoon nap. I was sitting in the living room when I thought I heard an animal’s cry. I opened up the front door, which we rarely used, and stepped out onto the concrete porch. I looked around, but could not see anything so I went back inside. A few minutes later I heard the sound again, but it now sounded like “baa”. I thought it was a lamb, but again there was none in sight. As I was standing on the porch I heard the cry again and it sounded like it was coming from under the porch! I went inside; got a flashlight; went back outside and looked under the porch where I saw a young goat! I was very surprised at my discovery since none of my immediate neighbours had goats!

I had hoped that I could wait until my husband came home from work since he would be able to get the goat out and take it somewhere. I was spurred to action when the young goat’s cries had become more frequent and plaintive. I remembered that there was an abattoir just down the road from us. I thought that maybe this goat had escaped from there since they would be preparing goats for Easter. I called the abattoir and explained my predicament and they said they would be right over.

I expected them to come in a pickup truck and put the goat in the cargo area. Instead they came in a large older model two-door car. One of the men moved the concrete step while the other reached in to grab the young goat. He then proceeded to walk the goat back to the car; holding its front foot in each hand, causing it to walk on its two hind feet. He then sat in the front passenger seat with the goat between his legs, still holding onto its front two feet. That was the first and only time that I saw a goat ride "shotgun"!

Trading Places?

2009-05-04T09:44:00.027-04:00

With whom would I want to trade places? That was the April assignment for the Christian writers' group that I belong to. It could be anyone, living or dead; real or fictional. At first my mind went blank. If I had been given that assignment a few years ago, I would have had no problem coming up with multiple people, real or fictional, with whom I would have gladly traded places.

When I considered a temporary trading of places, two Mary's, from the Bible, came to mind. I would love to sit where Mary of Bethany sat, at the feet of Jesus. I have wondered what He said that captured her attention and devotion. To be the first person that Jesus appeared to after His resurrection; and to hear Him say my name with such tenderness and love, I would gladly trade places with Mary Magdalene for that experience.

I also thought about trading places with my younger self, so that I would be able to live my life in a greater level of freedom from an earlier age. I wondered what joys I could experience, had I known then who God created me to be. I no longer bemoan the past. I treasure the things God has taught me throughout my whole life; I would not trade places with anyone!

Yard Work

2009-03-27T13:10:00.017-04:00

This morning, it was a bright sunny day that beckoned me outside. There were hundreds, if not thousands, of fir cones on our front lawn. We have a large fir tree that stands in the middle of the front lawn. It provides shade and privacy, as well as shelter for many species of birds.

I decided that I would clean up the front lawn since the grass would soon be growing. I raked the fir cones into piles and then put them in a wheelbarrow, which I then dumped in a corner of the backyard. As I was doing the various actions I was reminded of the corresponding motions I use on the exercise machines at Curves. I was glad that I had been strengthening different muscles so that I was able to do this yard work.

I worked steadily, remembering to drink some water from time to time. I also made sure that I bent my knees instead of my back when picking up the cone piles. I did "make a dent" in the amount of cones on the lawn, but I was starting to get tired; I had been working for an hour. I knew that I had reached my limit so I decided that I would rake the remainder of the fir cones another time.

Taking Off The Grave Clothes

2009-03-11T11:20:00.025-04:00

Last night my husband Dan and I had attended a prayer meeting at our church. At the end of the prayer time when we were asked if we had anything we wanted prayer for, I said that I did. I shared with my group how it felt like I had something on me that I could not break free from as a result of having had cancer and surviving it. I was directed to a scripture that spoke of putting off the old and putting on the new. I personalized that passage and expressed my desires for freedom in a prayer. Then my husband Dan, as my spiritual authority, prayed for me.

Later that night I could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned; and thought and prayed. Finally at 1:00 am, I decided to get up and write down the thought that had come to mind: "I have taken off the grave clothes". I wanted to search the scriptures to see where there was any reference to grave clothes in the Bible.

The incident of Lazarus being raised from the dead and needing his grave clothes removed is recorded in John 11:44: "The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, 'Take off the grave clothes and let him go'". (NIV)

I then searched the word 'grave' to see if there was a scripture that I could apply to my life regarding this word. In Psalm 49:15, the psalmist writes: "But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself". (NIV)

There was a cross reference to Psalm 56:13 which states: "For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling that I may walk before God in the light of life." (NIV)

I decided to look up the scripture references to the phrase "the light of life" which is translated "the land of the living" in the following two references.

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 116:7-9 (NIV)

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord". Psalm 27:13, 14 (NIV)

I believe that the thought that came to mind in the middle of the night, "I have taken off the grave clothes" was a direct answer to those prayers for me.

Not Recognized

2009-02-18T15:17:00.033-05:00

Yesterday I was at a funeral for the founder of my husband's place of employment, where he has worked for almost twenty years. I saw some of Dan's co-workers there that I knew, but they did not recognize me or acknowledge me. They were used to seeing me how I looked before I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I did approach one of them, who is also the wife of a close colleague of Dan's. While she expressed surprise and hadn't recognized me, she also said it was good to see me. I could have gone to Dan's workplace for the reception afterwards, but I chose not to. Dan would not have been able to devote his time to stay by my side and re-introduce me to every colleague or client that I knew. It would have been too emotionally taxing for me to have to do this myself.

I am now used to how I look with short curly hair, but many people do not recognize me. I think that this reaction would not affect me to the degree that it does if I had only just cut my hair or permed it. Going through the experience of losing all of my hair and then having it grow in curly has been traumatic for me. I have tried to remain positive about this change, but it has had far greater consequences that I was not prepared for.

Processing

2009-02-07T11:30:00.030-05:00

I have not blogged recently because I have been processing a lot of what I have been through with having overcome ovarian cancer last year. Two weeks ago I had my routine follow-up appointment with my oncologist. My CA 125 blood count is well within the normal range and there is no change with my lymph nodes or abdomen. At the end of this month it will have been one year since I had my last chemotherapy treatment. Therefore, I won't need to see the oncologist until six months later instead of the previous schedule of every three months. This was cause for rejoicing and it brought much relief to my family, our friends, and me.

I am a small group discussion leader for the new Bible study on the book of Esther. Often I am in awe of God's timing in how the Bible studies I am involved in are so appropriate to what I am going through in my life. Last week during our discussion time about our responses to the world's standards of beauty, someone mentioned that it must have been hard for me when I had lost my hair. I was able to share some of my feelings about the trauma of having no eyelashes or eyebrows and being completely bald. When I got home from the study I was so exhausted that I had a nap; it took a lot out of me emotionally. I know that God wants to heal my emotions and I believe that He is using this study as part of that process.

Tickled Pink!

2009-01-20T10:44:00.023-05:00

This morning, as I was deciding what to wear today, I thought "I feel pink today". I chose my pink turtleneck top; pink earrings; and grey socks with pink polka dots. As I looked at myself in the mirror, taking in my overall appearance including my nail polish, I thought "I am perfectly content with how I look; I am tickled pink!".

I decided to look up the meaning of the phrase "tickled pink: thoroughly delighted or amused; elated" and I saw it was indeed appropriate. I have been transformed; it is like an extreme makeover, yet much of it has been gradual. I now wear earrings on a regular basis. My hair is now short and curly; that is how it has come in after the chemo. I have a membership at Curves and I am now doing two circuits. I have noticed a difference as my muscle strength has increased and I have lost inches.

I am also occasionally wearing nail polish on my fingernails. That may sound either frivolous or ordinary, but it is another form of restoration of my self-expression. When I was a young teenager I was given nail polish by a family friend, who was a salesman. It was a collection in every colour and shade; from yellow, orange, blue, green, to pink, purple, red, black and white. There were probably twenty colours in all. I would co-ordinate my nail colour with what I was wearing.

I know that God has restored my self-expression that was buried so many years ago; that is why I can say that I am "tickled pink!".

Enthusiastic Exercising

2009-01-14T19:00:00.003-05:00

Monday night, just before dinner, I went to Curves. I had only gone sporadically during the Christmas holidays and I wanted to get back into a regular routine.

As I went around the circuit, while doing an exercise that targets the arms, I thought about how far I have come since a year ago January. Thankfulness to God welled up inside me as I "pumped" my arms back and forth in time to the music. I was feeling good, so I decided to do the complete workout of two and a half circuits; usually I had only been doing two circuits.

Later, at home, I carried upstairs a heavy laundry basket that was filled with blue jeans. It was then I started to sense that I had overdone it. The next morning my shoulder and upper arm muscles were a bit sore. I then remembered my workout at Curves and I did some of the motions to try to figure out which exercise I might have overdone. I realized that it was the one I was doing as a "victory" exercise; I had allowed my enthusiasm, rather than common sense, to dictate the pace and intensity of my movements.

While I am stronger than I was a few months ago, I still have a ways to go. It is easy for me to overdo an activity when I am feeling strong. I need to be content with what I can accomplish, without overdoing it, as I continue to build up my strength.

Crazy Curls!

2009-01-12T11:37:00.016-05:00

I have had my first "real" haircut and my hair is still curly! My daughter Joy is training to be a hairdresser, so I am having her practice on me. Joy has trimmed my hair quite a few times as it has grown.

I had been forewarned that not all of the hair on my head would grow in at the same pace, so I would need some sections trimmed more often than others. The hair at the crown of my head is still fairly short, while the hair around my ears and neck has had multiple trimmings. I was starting to have the makings of a "mullet" going on before the last trim!

My hair is the curliest when I first wash it. I wash my hair with shampoo for curly hair; then I scrunch my hair to help hold the curls in shape. My hair is still very soft; I have not yet used any styling gels on it. I think that soon I will need Joy to trim the hair on the top of my head; up till recently she has only needed to trim the bangs.

The photograph on my profile was taken a few months ago when the curls could first be seen. Now the hair on the top of my head is very curly; the curls go in every direction, hence the name of this post "Crazy Curls!".

A Special Friend

2009-01-07T13:21:00.009-05:00

My journey of overcoming ovarian cancer was definitely a shared journey. While I have written about some of the people who have been a support along the way, there is a special friend, Anita, who has also played an integral part.

Anita made herself available to visit me "at the spur of the moment" when I was first in the hospital in September 2007. While I was in the hospital Anita and my daughter cleaned my house in preparation for my homecoming. Later, she accompanied me when my wig was available for fitting. Anita knew how I longed to have a "normal" life and she sought to find ways for me to have one. While my parents were away in Barbados, Anita spent the day with me as I received my final chemotherapy treatment. Another day Anita spent several hours at my home so that I would not be alone, in case I needed anything.

Anita has seen me at my lowest points and she has been a caring friend. I know that she has prayed for me as well. For my birthday Anita gave me a photo album and scrapbooking supplies so that I can document my journey in pictorial form. We will work on it together, since she has lots of scrapbooking tools. That will be a fitting way to end off our shared journey of my overcoming ovarian cancer, but it won't be the ending of our special friendship.

Persevere

2009-01-06T08:49:00.006-05:00

I was thinking about my life experiences and how I have needed to persevere. I thought about writing an anagram for the word "persevere", but I hesitated on account of the number of "e's". As I listed the letters at the side of a page of paper, I sensed that every "E" would represent "Encouragement".

Press on
Encouragement
Remain
Steady commitment
Encouragement
Vital
Encouragement
Relentless
Encouragement

God provides the encouragement through His Word; His Spirit; and other people. God is relentless in His encouragement. We are to press on; remain; have a steady commitment; it is vital.

Final Journal Entries From 2008

2009-01-03T09:26:00.024-05:00

In reading over my journals from 2008, there were a few more entries that I wanted to post on my blog to help "fill in the picture" of what my journey of overcoming ovarian cancer has been like.

(April 26 2008)
"I think that I am at peace with my body. I have contentment, or a sense of acceptance, and appreciation for what my body has gone through these last few months. My eyebrows and eyelashes have not yet filled in. My hair is slowly growing in on my head. It is much like after a war; there is a time needed to rebuild. It is as if my body was shell-shocked and now it is enjoying the time of peace; the assaults have stopped. It is a sense of relief to be through the treatments and all the side effects that go along with them. There are many things that I want to do, but I do not have the energy yet."

"I want to have 'beauty' and 'life' around me."

(May 20 2008)
"At times I think I am a slow learner in that I don't realize what God is trying to teach me. I have felt as if there is a 'wall' that I can't break through regarding the trauma associated with having had cancer. I was in such a weakened state; I could not bathe or dress myself; I could not do any household chore. I was dependent on others to assist me; or to run the household. I am now regaining my strength and I have gradually been increasing what I do."

"What I believe God wants me to learn is that I need to rely on Him and not on myself. I was brought to a place of dependence on others. I let down my guard and received the love and care and support they offered."

(June 5 2008)
"My hair is growing. My head is looking darker; there is no scalp showing through. I have gone outside without my wig and hat. I have driven to pick up my daughter from work without anything on my head. I found it too distracting to wear a hat while driving. I asked my husband if it looks like I just got my hair cut really short; he said 'no it looks shorter' than that! I was hoping that it would look stylish and not that I am recovering from chemo."

(June 7 2008)
"I am still 'hurting' from having had ovarian cancer. I need time to recover from the trauma. It affected me mentally, emotionally and physically."

"I am an individual. My life and my experiences as well as my responses are unique."

(June 9 2008)
"Cancer is one thing that lumps people together regardless of gender; age; race; religion; tastes in music; occupation; personality etc. We often form our alliances and friendships around shared interests and complimentary personalities."

"I did not choose to have ovarian cancer. No one chooses to have any kind of cancer. I have used this blog as a means of 'getting the word out' about ovarian cancer. I do not consider that by me having had ovarian cancer that I am automatically 'enrolled' in the cause."

"My biggest struggle, throughout my experience of having cancer and undergoing treatment, was to maintain a 'normal' life and retain who I am as an individual. The cause or passion that I have as a result of my experiences is that I have a desire to help others retain who they are in spite of having cancer and undergoing treatment. I spent too many years trying out different 'hats' and not knowing who I was as an individual."

In sharing these journal entries I feel as if I am closing off one chapter of my life's story. I am looking forward to what God has in store for the next chapter in this new year!

February and March 2008 Journal Entries

2009-01-02T07:59:00.012-05:00

I did blog a bit as I was experiencing the effects of having ovarian cancer; chemotherapy; and surgery, but there was much that remained "hidden away" in my journals. It was very traumatic and I was not always able to blog about it. Here are some more reflections; life experiences; and my spiritual journey:

(February 1 2008)
"I feel as if I have a responsibility regarding ovarian cancer. Brenda commented on my blog that I bring hope to those who have cancer and who have loved ones with cancer because I am a cancer survivor."

"It is as if having cancer was a gift. Not that it was something to be desired or asked for, but rather it set in motion the blessings and calling from God."

(February 15 2008)
"Nothing can separate me from God's love, not even cancer."

(February 17 2008)
"When I think of 'life', I think of health; satisfying work; good stable relationships; a close walk with God. 'Life' also includes trials; testings; misunderstandings; sickness; frustrations; broken relationships. When I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer, that did not fit in with my idea of what 'life' should be like. Joy said that when she first found out she said to God, 'How do I do life with this?' A diagnosis of cancer did not fit into our 'life' that we were used to experiencing."

(March 1 2008)
"Spring is coming!"

"I am doing quite well considering I had chemo three days ago. I think that part of it is that I am finished. I have completed the treatments and I won't ever have to have them again! It is such a sense of relief. I am tired though."

(March 2 2008)
"I need to 'feed' my soul during this winter season of my life."

(March 12 2008)
I had struggled at times with the fear of dying, and Jesus gave me victory over that fear. I am so grateful that He died in my place and broke not only the power of death, but also the power of the fear of dying."

(March 14 2008)
"At times I get overwhelmed by the fact that I had ovarian cancer and I have survived it. I am alive!"

"I sat there, receiving chemo, for about seven hours at a time; every three weeks; for six rounds of treatment. While that only amounts to a week that some people put in at their job, some of the effects of the treatment lasted for over two weeks; giving me only one short week to enjoy life before having another chemo treatment. I have not yet reached the third week after my final treatment. I am still on the road to recovery. I know that I will regain my strength as my body continues to heal from the trauma of having had cancer, chemo and surgery."

"Outwardly I am healing. My stomach/abdominal muscles are no longer sore....Inwardly I am still processing. I am grieving; emotionally weary."

(March 30 2008)
"I have wanted to "get on with life". but this is a part of life. I am not the only person who has ever faced ovarian cancer, specifically, or adversity, in general."

What I have noticed, in reading over my blog posts from February and March 2008, is that there were things I blogged about that I had not recorded in my journals. I have copied my blog posts into Word documents and saved them on a jump drive. I hope one day to compile both my journal entries and blog posts into one record of my journey of overcoming ovarian cancer.

My New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-01T11:01:00.004-05:00

Remember
Experience
Serve
Obey
Love
Understand
Trust
Interact
Overcome
Neaten
Strive

Remember what the Lord has done for me.
Experience all that God was in store for me.
Serve others in practical ways.
Obey the Holy Spirit's leading.
Love others.
Understand what God's will is for me.
Trust the Lord, even when I do not understand.
Interact with others in a meaningful way.
Overcome any difficulties that I confront.
Neaten my home.
Strive to be who God created me to be.

January 2008 Journal Entries

2008-12-31T11:38:00.029-05:00

Today is the last day of 2008 and I have decided to read over my journals from this past year. Here are some of the notations that track my spiritual journey, life experiences, and reflections concerning ovarian cancer and surgery:

(January 4 2008)
"Yesterday I took encouragement from two things. The anesthesiologist's last name was Morningstar - Jesus is described as the Morningstar. When we were trying to find the parking lot at Sunnybrook, we passed by the Wellspring building that was featured in the video from Ovarian Cancer Canada. I was reminded of the women and their stories - that gave me hope; if they made it through chemo and surgery, then I will too." [My husband Dan and I had gone to Sunnybrook hospital in Toronto for my pre-op appointments.]

"In a way I feel as if my life is on hold. My world is so small."

(January 6 2008)
"Yesterday I had two surprise visits. The Sutherlands [longtime friends] gave me several gifts; then prayed for me regarding my upcoming surgery and for healing. My neighbour, Mary, dropped in with a gift bag for the hospital; in it was a purple housecoat and a lilac nightgown. [Purple is my favorite colour!]

(January 7 2008)
"Tomorrow I have my surgery. Yesterday, the songs at church ministered to me. Colleen and Sonja both prayed for me. Others assured me of their thoughts and prayers." [Colleen is a cancer survivor and Sonja is an intercessor]

(January 13 2008)
"What God impressed upon me is that I don't need to try to figure out who will be influenced by my witness I just have to be faithful. When I was in the hospital I was distraught over a comment that someone had made to a relative that maybe I had been misdiagnosed; that maybe I didn't have cancer, which would be why they didn't find any when they opened me up. It caused all the fears, worries and doubts to rise up and burst forth. I tried to call Dan at work, but when my son Tim answered the phone and was asked by a recording if he would accept a call billed to our number he said no. I was then very upset and emotional and I was crying. My blood pressure was very high since I was so distraught. One of the oncologists came to see me and was concerned. She said that it was natural what I was feeling, given all that I have experienced. She said that I was being strong for others, but that I needed to release what I was holding inside. I asked if there was a chaplain that I could speak to. She said yes there was and that she would call one. She mentioned that when her grandfather had surgery he had spoken to a chaplain and that had seemed to help him. The chaplain came and I shared a bit with her. I asked her if she would pray for me and she did. Later the nurse rechecked my blood pressure and it was again in the normal range.

(January 14 2008)
"Yesterday Dan shared the good news at church. He spoke a bit about our journey and how this type of cancer [ovarian cancer], 'is like throwing sand- you don't know where it will land'. He shared about trusting God and how God had answered our prayers. He thanked the people for praying and for their acts of kindness. The congregation clapped in response to the good news. After church people came up to him. Two men were crying and one of them even hugged Dan tightly."

"I got my first real meal - scrambled eggs, toast and cornflakes. I ate some of it; I didn't want to overdo it. It was like a victory breakfast. I was so excited I called Dan to tell him. I started to cry when I got my meal and could eat it. I was going to live! I saved the tray list of the foods I ate as a souvenir. I was able to go home in the afternoon after lunch. I was very emotional and cried a bit as I was being wheeled in a wheelchair to the lobby; and I cried more when I got in the van. I had gone through the surgery and I had survived! I was going to live and be healthy! That was now past and I only had a bit more on this journey toward complete healing. I am to have one more chemo treatment in February."

(January 19 2008)
"I would not have known God's miraculous healing power if I had not been healed of cancer. If I didn't have cancer in the first place I would not have experienced God's miraculous healing power from cancer. It is almost overwhelming to think about that. Yet there is the example of the man born blind. Jesus said it was not because the man or his parents had sinned but that the glory of God would be seen when Jesus healed him." [John 9: 1-7]

"I am glad that I am home to stay."

(January 22 2008)
"I have had so much bottled up inside. When I mentioned a bit to my sister Gayle, she said she wouldn't blame me if I should cry about all that I have gone through."

"I am not in despair; I have been given hope for the future."

(January 23 2008)
"Today I received a parcel in the mail from my sister-in-law Darlene and her family. It was in a bubble package almost as big as a pillow. Inside were tissue-wrapped gifts. In the card it mentioned that these were to replenish the "Sunshine Basket". I opened the first package, which was puffy; it was a snowman candle holder. That was really special." [I collect snowmen]

(January 26 2008)
"Last night I went to 'Change of Heart', [a women's'ministry event]. I spoke to Laura and Judi before the meeting; I shared about God healing me. It was mentioned if I would share this; I said 'I don't know'. I went into the foyer to get a drink . As I was at the table there was another lady standing there and Jodie came to us and said 'I don't believe I know you ladies'. She talked a bit with the other lady and then she turned to me and then said 'I know you!' She put her arm around my shoulder and told the other woman that God had done a miracle. I shared briefly with the woman about having ovarian cancer and when I had surgery they couldn't find the cancer. She was blessed. I know that I was to share so I told Laura I would and she told Judi. We sang a couple of songs The song just before Judi called me up was 'I can't do anything - I can't face anything without You'. It was a perfect lead in . I know God wanted me to share last night; it fit in with the theme of Jesus/God being the Great Physician."

"What came to me as I was lying in bed - I am not to resent this time of rest; recuperation; and isolation - that is all part of the preparation time."

I hope to share other journal entries in other posts. I was encouraged as I read them and it is my hope that they will encourage others as well.

If Life Was a Musical

2008-12-20T13:53:00.033-05:00

As I was looking out the living room window at the bird feeder, that is attached to our front deck, the song "Feed The Birds" from Mary Poppins came to mind. I have not thought of that song for years! It got me wondering what my life would be like if I was to break out into song as I went about my day. It is not unusual for people to sing along with the radio or a CD, but to spontaneously break out into song about one's life and daily activities would be thought unusual.

When I was younger I loved to watch old movies on TV that were musicals. I never found it strange that people would suddenly break out into song. I was a young child when The Sound of Music and Mary Poppins came to the theatre; and Julie Andrews became my heroine. Recently I have seen other musicals such as Hairspray.

There are times that I do break out into song, though it is when I am home alone. They are praise choruses that seem to just bubble up from within and overflow my being; I love to worship God with song. Maybe I might try singing about my daily activities the next time I am home alone. A song with the words "Washing the dishes, Lord; washing the dishes; living for Your glory; washing the dishes" just came to mind. I do not remember where I first learned that song but maybe it is one I will incorporate into my daily life!

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you. Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life- and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him." Romans 12:1 (Message)

Winter In The Country

2008-12-19T14:04:00.012-05:00

We once lived in a little house on a hundred acre farm. The driveway was over five hundred feet long and much of it was exposed to the north winds. Neighbouring farmers would plow our driveway several times after a snowfall, given the frequency of snow drifts forming. While it was blustery and cold outside we were warm and toasty inside. We had a wood stove in our dining room that not only provided heat, but on occasion was also used for cooking.

We were on well-water that came from a well that was also about five hundred feet away, in a field closer to the road. There were two winters that we were without water for a couple of months as the line was frozen due to inadequate snow cover. Friends and family opened their homes to us for showers and laundry facilities. We got to know members of our church family better as we spent more time with them on a regular basis.

Living in the country provided many opportunities for outdoor activities in the winter. A natural rink formed at the side of the house right under a hydro light pole. Our children learned to skate on this rink and the boys played many games of hockey with their dad there. The house was on a small hill so the children would sometimes use their crazy carpets to slide down the hill. Snowmen and snow forts were often built with the abundance of snow available.

While we have since moved to town, we often venture out into the countryside to enjoy winter activities. Today my youngest son has gone sledding with a friend, but the hills are much larger compared to those of his childhood.

Continuing To Live

2008-12-06T09:29:00.015-05:00

I have been very burdened of late; three people I know have recently passed away as a result of cancer. I have the hope of seeing at least two of them again. It is easy to get waylaid by the questions that naturally occur. I felt as if I was slipping into depression and I needed to hear God's voice to direct me.

Last night I could not fall asleep and I decided to read my Bible. I had previously found some scriptures that pertained to death and life and I wanted to study them to see what God might say to me through them. The verses are found in 2 Corinthians chapters 4 and 5. There was a reference to Philippians 1:20-26, which is where I found God's direction for my life. By looking at the Apostle Paul's example I was able to discern what God's will is for me in continuing to live.

There are several purposes to be fulfilled:

exalt Jesus in my body (Philippians 1:20)
fruitful labour for me (Philippians 1:22)
encouragement for others' progress in the faith (Philippians 1:24,25)
on account of me being with them others' joy may overflow (Philippians 1:26)

I am thankful for the direction God has given me through His Word. I now have a purpose as I am continuing to live.

Timelessness and Eternity

2008-11-22T11:41:00.016-05:00

Whenever someone dies it draws attention to the fragility of life. One minute they are alive and the next minute they are dead. It sounds so final. It is final in this life that we see with our natural eyes. Those who know and love the Lord Jesus and who have received Him as their Lord and Saviour are now with Him in glory. To the uninitiated in the Christian faith this sounds rather "airy-fairy" or "pie-in-the-sky". Yet, the afterlife is more real than this present life. I don't think that the afterlife is something that starts once we die. Rather, I think that we leave finite time and enter eternity or unending time.

Eternity existed before God created the world and time. God always was; always is; always will be. God revealed Himself to Moses as "I AM" (Genesis 3:14). God is in a present state of being in our past; our present; our future. Jesus told the Pharisees "Before Abraham was... I am" (John 8:58).

I can have confidence and trust in God's care for me because God has already seen the future. He is already there, just like He has been in the past; He is still there too. I have a sense that eternity is all around us and that our solar system and beyond are all contained in "time", yet timelessness exists around it. Also God sometimes "opens a window" and allows some of the timelessness to invade our world. An example is at the transfiguration of Jesus when Moses and Elijah appear. (Mark 9:2-8).

Ecclesiastes 3:11 states "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." (NIV). As finite beings we would probably die if we were given any more timelessness (eternity) in our human bodies. That is why we need to be transformed and given spiritual bodies. God is Spirit; God is timeless. When we are changed we will be like Him and we will be timeless as well.

Winter is coming

2008-11-21T08:45:00.011-05:00

It was quite traumatic being in hospital again and having an NG tube. It is a horrible experience when it is first inserted; and I later had to have it re-inserted because it was not properly situated the first time. It was also unsettling to be exposed to onlookers, sitting in a wheelchair with the NG tube still in place, while awaiting my daily x-ray. To top it all off my hair was often disheveled, while the members of the public, who were awaiting other tests, were often perfectly coiffed.

I think that I had been overzealous in wanting to resume my regular activities when I should have taken the time to properly recover. I went to church the day after I was released from the hospital, but I was so weak I had to sit the whole time. It really was too soon for me to go, but I wanted to be encouraged through the teaching of God's Word and worshipping with others. I also went to the women's Bible study on the Thursday morning as it was the final day of studying "Walking By Faith".

I know that my body was weakened through all that I had experienced in not eating for several days while in hospital. I developed a head cold the next weekend and it lasted for over a week. My energy level is low and I long for it to be restored. I feel as if I have suffered a setback and I am now back to where I was several months ago after my chemo treatments had finished. Yesterday I had a followup appointment with my family doctor. She encouraged me to rest and "take it easy" because I "have been through a lot". I am again reminded that my life is paralleling the natural seasons. Winter is encroaching and soon will be here.

A Recent Hospital Stay

2008-11-04T22:02:00.008-05:00

A week ago Saturday, while at a women's retreat, I developed extreme abdominal gas pains and vomiting. My husband picked me up and drove me to Southlake hospital in Newmarket. I was admitted to hospital and diagnosed with a "kink" in my bowel. The doctors said that it was probably a result of my previous surgery and not uncommon.

I had a CT scan and then daily abdominal x-rays to monitor the situation. I did not want to have further surgery. I had an NG tube and I was put on "bowel rest"; I only had NaCl IV and later potassium was added. I was not even allowed to drink any water.

Many people were praying for me. I had the NG tube for four days, but on the fifth day I was allowed a liquid diet. On Friday evening I was allowed to have a soft diet. I was informed by the doctor that the bowel was now normal and there was no longer a "kink". For the past three days the x-rays had shown a change in the bowel.

I was discharged from the hospital on Saturday afternoon after a week long stay. I am now on a low-residue diet for four to six weeks.

Hair, There, and Everywhere

2008-11-03T13:32:00.016-05:00

I never thought I would see the day when I would say that I don't like my hair. Well, I probably should qualify that statement by saying that I like my hair, I just don't like how it looks at the moment.

When I was losing my hair due to chemotherapy I could hardly wait for my hair to grow again! It was a novelty when it started to grow in curly. It looked cute and fashionable when it was shorter, but now that it is a couple of inches long I think that it looks old-fashioned! I think that I look like I am from the 1950's or 1960's!

It is now possible for me to awaken with bed-head and also to have bad hair days! Sometimes my hair seems to be going in every direction! I know that this is something that I should be grateful to experience, and I am, but... There is still the fact that there are days when my hair is not as I would like it to be.

I know that my hair is continuing to grow and I am not sure how I will finally have my hair styled. I do like the ease of care with a shorter hairstyle, but I am not sure how short I want to keep it. I am thinking that I would like to grow it a bit more and then maintain that length for a while. It will be interesting to see if my hair continues to have a curl after it has been cut.

A Gift For Healthy Living

2008-10-20T11:39:00.032-04:00

Since the summer I have now regained the weight that I had originally lost during my bout with ovarian cancer. I am looking healthier as a result and my clothes now fit me properly rather than just hanging on me. There is also a negative result of regaining that weight, in that I now have a "muffin top". This is probably a result of the bloating and the weakening of the abdominal muscles due to major abdominal surgery. I need to strengthen these muscles specifically.

In early summer I had taken part in the Curves/Avon Thirty Days for Thirty Dollars Challenge and I had originally wanted to join Curves, but it was not financially feasible. I had recently borrowed a resistance band to try to strengthen some muscles, but I soon abandoned that plan. I felt as if I was in an unending cycle: I needed money to join Curves; I needed a part-time job to obtain money; I needed my stamina and muscles to be strengthened in order to be able to work at a part-time job.

This past Saturday my daughter Joy came home from working at Curves and said that "this" was left for me and handed me an envelope marked "A Special Gift for YOU." Inside was a Curves Gift Membership for one year! It was given anonymously. I started to cry; I was overcome with emotion.

The timing of that certificate could not have been better. I had just come through an evening of severe abdominal gas pains, which had brought back all the memories of going through chemotherapy. I had made fish sticks with cajun spice for dinner and I think that I was reacting to that. My digestive system is still sensitive from the chemotherapy. The previous day I had the opportunity to share about my experience of ovarian cancer with a woman whose daughter is having ovarian problems. Also I had recently heard that someone else had been given a year to live as a result of a different type of cancer. All of these things compounded worked against me and I had to battle my resulting fears.

The thought that rose up within me, upon receiving this certificate, was that God wants me to live! He doesn't just want me to survive, but He wants me to be healthy and regain my strength.

Thanksgiving Celebration

2008-10-14T19:28:00.001-04:00

Last night we had Thanksgiving dinner with my parents, my sisters and their families at my sister Gayle's home. Gayle had hung streamers and balloons in the living/dining room. There was a large sign in the dining room window that said "Celebrate You!". While I had noticed these things, I did not think too much about them since it was soon time to eat. My brother-in-law was asked to say grace , so he said "Grace" and then he prayed. Gayle said "Debbie, you go first." I just thought it was because I had my birthday last month and this was the first family dinner we had had since.

The food was good and the conversation varied from one topic to another. A couple of us said we should wait a bit before having our dessert; a few, mostly males, groaned in response. The table was cleared of the dinner plates and condiments. There was a flurry of activity in the kitchen and then quiet conversing.

My mom asked that my husband Dan sit beside me near the aforementioned sign. Gayle then said "We want to celebrate you!". My parents had purchased a bottle of champagne and a bottle of non-alcoholic champagne. The drinks were poured into small plastic glasses and everyone took one. Dan proposed a toast and thanked the Lord for healing me. There wasn't the usual "clink" as we touched each others glasses, but the joy of celebrating God's faithfulness was evident. My sister Brenda had tears in her eyes as Dan spoke. We all were aware of how far I had come from a year ago Thanksgiving. Last year I just sat while the whirl of activity happened all around me. This year I had an active role and contributed to the meal.

It was fitting to do our "Champagne Celebration" on Thanksgiving Monday. We had first thought of it when I was in the midst of receiving chemotherapy. In addition, we originally wanted to have a bottle of inexpensive champagne to shake like people do after a great victory. Maybe we'll do that in the spring when we can be outdoors. That would also be my one year anniversary of being cancer free.

"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do." Ecclesiastes 9:7 (NIV)

"One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts. They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, and I will meditate on your wonderful works. They will tell of the power of your awesome works, and I will proclaim your great deeds. They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness." Psalm 145: 4-7 (NIV)

Thanksgiving

2008-10-10T14:22:00.007-04:00

This Monday will be the Canadian Thanksgiving and I was thinking about some of the "things" that I am thankful for.

Treasured memories
Healing from cancer
Answered prayer
Neighbours who care
Kindness of others
Sisters by birth and friendship
God's faithfulness
Increasing energy
Valleys where God is present
Increasing strength
New hair
Good reports from my doctors

"Come, let us sing to the Lord! Let us give a joyous shout to the rock of our salvation! Let us come before him with thanksgiving. Let us sing him psalms of praise." Psalm 95:1,2 (NLT)

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and bless his name. For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation." Psalm 100:4,5 (NLT)

Significant Events

2008-10-07T08:54:00.006-04:00

A lot has happened since I last posted an update here.

I was interviewed by one of our local papers to tell my story about being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I willingly agreed in the hope that it would help others be diagnosed sooner. What I had not considered was that they would also want a photo of me to accompany the article. I decided to submit one from before I was diagnosed so people who knew me would recognize me. At the present I do not look like I did in that picture. I am now glad that I chose that photograph because I can walk freely in town without feeling self-conscious around people I do not know.

My hair is now longer and finally looks like a hairstyle that I have chosen! I have had it trimmed in order to give a more flattering shape as it continues to grow. My hair is quite curly, especially at the top of my head. I have heard that this is not unusual after chemotherapy. I like the ease of care; just wash and go, although I often use a pick comb to fluff it out.

I recently took part in the 5 km Winners mini-walk of Hope in Aurora. This was a walk that my sisters had organized in support of Ovarian Cancer Canada. A year ago I was unable to attend the first mini-walk as I was too ill. It was a significant event for me to be able to walk the route knowing that I was now healed from ovarian cancer.

Next year I hope to walk in the national Winners Walk of Hope, which takes place in Sunnybrook Park in Toronto. I had my surgery at Sunnybrook hospital, which is near there, so I think that taking part in the national walk will also be a significant event.

Another significant event in my life is my involvement as a discussion leader in a ladies' Bible study in town. I will write about this in another post as the topic, "Walking By Faith: Lessons Learned in the Dark", is quite significant in light of my recent journey of dealing with ovarian cancer.

http://www.ovariancanada.org/

The Journey Out Of The Desert

2008-09-20T12:45:00.003-04:00

I had written about my desire to be involved with young moms, and my desire to be a part of the Moms to Moms group that was just starting up. I know and desire to uphold the scriptural injunction for older women to teach the younger women to love their husband and children, yet I sensed that was not what God wanted me to be actively involved in at this time.

What I sense in my spirit is that God is leading me out of the desert. I am walking out; it is a journey. During my time in the desert I was "hidden away", but now that that time is over God wants the journey out of the desert to be a shared journey.

Every person's desert has its own individual purpose; that is where God molds and shapes us. The journey out of the desert is where we bring with us all that we have learned and experienced in order to apply it to the new situations we shall face.

God has not forgotten me. He has a plan and a purpose for my life. He is the One who is bringing to light what He wants revealed. My life is in His hands.

New Things

2008-09-06T07:29:00.006-04:00

I have many thoughts swirling around in my head. There were two life-altering events that happened at this time of year; one being when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. At first, I thought it odd that both of these events happened around my anniversary and my birthday. Anniversaries and birthdays represent new life, while these events were either the death of some things or the potential of death. Maybe the significance of the timing had to do with the birth of a new life; a new way of doing things; a new outlook; and new ventures.

I know that God is leading me, one step at a time. I have had a growing desire to connect with some younger moms. That is why I have chosen to attend the Thursday morning Bible study at The Hub. When I heard about the Moms To Moms program my heart leapt at this "window of opportunity" to be involved with younger moms. I do not know what this will lead to, but I know that God is "doing a new thing" in my life and He is "making a way in the desert".

"See, the former things have taken place, and new things I declare, before they spring into being I announce them to you." Isaiah 42:9 (NIV)

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18,19 (NIV)

Turning Up The Volume

2008-09-01T17:06:00.013-04:00

(This is a continuation of my story of finally being correctly diagnosed with ovarian cancer)

The bowel specialist in Orillia stated that the initial results of the CAT scan showed a spot on the liver and a tumour on the ovaries. After talking with the gynecologist on staff, they both felt that I would be better cared for by a local gynecologist since I lived closer to Toronto hospitals. We were given a CD of the results and my husband took it to my family doctor after we returned home. My doctor then obtained the written results the next day, and we met with her the following day (Wednesday) to discuss the findings. By this time I was very uncomfortable and I was having trouble breathing. My husband insisted that something be done for me. My doctor arranged for me to go to Emergency at Southlake and the chief internist would examine me there.

Once in the Emergency room I was given a cardiogram; and they took blood and urine samples. After the specialist examined me and had drained the fluid, he informed me that he was going to admit me to the hospital. He said that they were going to send some of the fluid away for testing and he wanted to do some more tests while we waited for the results. He told me that they were not going to send me home until they not only discovered what was causing this, but also began the appropriate treatment.

There were not any beds available so I slept in the Emergency room on a stretcher. In the morning I was taken for a chest x-ray and another abdominal CAT scan; a more accurate picture of what was going on would be seen since I no longer had all that fluid. The initial findings of the fluid testing showed that it was inflammatory fluid as opposed to being secreted by my liver or any other organ. This information,along with the results of the CAT scan and blood tests, helped to narrow down my diagnosis.

I was visited by a nursing assistant from the oncology department and informed that I did have a tumour on my ovary. She talked in general terms and I did not expect that it would be serious; I thought that it might be only stage I ovarian cancer. I asked her for information regarding ovarian cancer since I had never heard of it before that day.

Later that evening, before my husband returned for a visit, the oncologist came and informed me that I had stage III ovarian cancer and that I would need to have my ovaries removed as well as a hysterectomy. She told me that I needed chemotherapy and that I would lose my hair. The oncologist informed me that I would have an appointment with a gynecol/oncologist at Sunnybrook in Toronto to determine the plan of action regarding the timing of surgery and the chemotherapy treatments. I was transported to and from the appointment at Sunnybrook in an ambulance since I was still a patient at Southlake. My husband and I met with the surgeon on a Wednesday, two weeks after I was first admitted to Southlake, and I began chemotherapy the next day as an inpatient. I was then released from the hospital the next day and I had the remainder of my chemotherapy treatments as an outpatient.

http://www.ovariancanada.org/

"Chasing The Natural"

2008-08-26T08:17:00.017-04:00

I recently read a quote in the July edition of Canadian Living that encapsulates this new season of my life. "...If you chase the natural, it will come back full gallop, meaning don't fight who you are or what you look like - just work with it." - Frederic Fekkai (page 33, Style, Canadian Living July 2008)

I now have a full head of hair, meaning my scalp is no longer visible. As my hair has filled in, I have discovered that it is quite curly. My hair has always had a natural wave, but I did not know that it could be this curly as I have never had my hair this short. The back of my head is the waviest and I often like to run my hand over it. I am not yet used to how it feels since it is in layers. So far the maintenance is rather easy; I just wash and towel dry my my hair; then I smooth down the hairs that stick up. I have started to develop "wings" at the sides so I might need to have them trimmed soon.

I am so glad that I "took the plunge" and went wig-free early on; it was liberating. Many people have complimented me on my wig, which helped me to not feel self-conscious about wearing it. Occasionally there were times that I felt uncomfortable when someone insisted that I should wear my hair like my wig when it grew back because it suited me so well. When I had replied that I was not sure if I could, since my hair has a natural wave, they stated that there are hairdressers who can overcome that.

I like how my hair looks, but I am not used to seeing myself looking like that. One evening I mentioned to my husband that I did not think that I looked like "me" and asked if he agreed. He replied, "I hardly recognize you!". I knew he was joking so I asked what he really thought. He said that I have not looked like "me" for a long time and that he has gotten used to it. He said that he thought my hair looked good and that it suited me. My daughter said that it is "the new me".

Trusting In God

2008-08-23T12:15:00.034-04:00

(I am not going to finish telling my journey until I process what I have written thus far. It is not a "quick fix" "get it out there...now that's done" kind of thing.)

I had asked God what He wants me to do; what burden or passion does He want to lay on my heart? It came to mind that I have been asked to be a discussion leader for a new Bible study. I would have to rely on God. I know that I am gifted with the ability to lead such a group; it is the topic, "Walking By Faith: Lessons Learned In The Dark", that causes me to hesitate.

I am still weak from the trauma of having had ovarian cancer; I need to lean on God. I do not want to "hurry" my recovery by suppressing things that need to be healed. Yet God is able to heal me as I walk through this study with Him. I was thinking about why I might be hesitant to lead a discussion group; "fear" came to mind; "loss of control" or "no control" over what might surface. God is in control. I need to surrender my fear to Him and give Him control over what might or might not surface.

When I asked God why I cannot know more- have a 5-year plan say, He asked me if I would have danced in Unionville had known I would be diagnosed with ovarian cancer a month later. No, I would not have. I would have been worried and very concerned. I would not have been able to concentrate on what God wanted me to take part in if I was thinking about what was to come. It is not that God is just shielding me from any unforeseen future trouble, but also that He wants me to occupy myself with what is "at hand". I can only do one thing at a time.

God is directing me to those things that He wants as a part of my life at this time. An example of this took place this past Sunday morning. As our pastor was closing off his message, he reminded the congregation that if anyone desired to have prayer they could come and sit in the front row and someone would come and pray with them. I am a member of the prayer team so I looked to see if anyone had come for prayer that God would want me to pray for. A new lady came forward and sat at the front; I waited a minute to see if one of the other team members was going to pray for her and then I went to her. After talking with her, I was able to lead her in a prayer for salvation. God used me in spite of my weakness.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3: 5,6 (NLT)

The Disease That Whispers

2008-08-21T06:43:00.002-04:00

Ovarian cancer has been described as "the disease that whispers". Looking back I heard the whispers, but I did not know what they meant. Last summer I noticed that I had a small "pot" that was hard, but I did not do anything about it. I thought that I would mention it when I had my physical in the fall. I started to notice that I "filled out" my capris, and my shorts were now tight around the waist. I was taking part in a liturgical dance and I needed to buy black dress pants that had an elastic waist; they were one size larger than I usually wore. After I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer my sisters-in-law mentioned that they had noticed my "pot", but at the time had only thought I had gained some weight.

While we were away at a cottage in Muskoka, I started to experience indigestion and bloating. I went to my family doctor when I returned from holidays. She had initially thought that I might have a blocked intestine so she put me on stool softeners and a laxative; and she arranged for me to see a bowel specialist. The earliest appointment was in September. In the meantime my doctor ordered a chest x-ray and two ultrasounds, abdominal and internal. I could just walk-in for a chest x-ray, but I needed to book an appointment for the ultrasounds, which would be the next week. Originally I was going to have the x-ray at the same time as the ultrasounds, but I was becoming more uncomfortable so I decided to have the x-ray later that week.

I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable as my abdomen increased in size. My husband took me to Emergency because we did not feel that I could wait for the appointment with the bowel specialist the following Monday. I thought that the attending doctor was rather "misogynistic" in his approach to dealing with me. He suggested that maybe I was pregnant and did not know it. When it was discovered that I had had ultrasounds earlier in the week, the staff were able to obtain the results, which recommended that I have a CAT scan. I asked if I could have the CAT scan that day, but the doctor said I needed to go through my family doctor. He said that he would only order a CAT scan if my appendix had burst.

On the Monday my husband and I drove to Orillia, which is about an hour north of us. The bowel specialist told us that after looking at my ultrasounds I did not need his care as it was not a blocked intestine. We shared about our experience at Southlake and the recommendation for me to get a CAT scan. The doctor informed us that he was chief of staff at the Orillia hospital and he would personally arrange for me to have a CAT scan that day. He said he would also arrange to have the results immediately so he could personally direct us to the correct specialist. Finally we were getting somewhere!

To be continued...

http://www.ovariancanada.org/

Looking Back

2008-08-06T22:30:00.001-04:00

It was traumatic being ill with ovarian cancer. The treatment and subsequent side-effects added further trauma. My family had to cope with this as I was going through it; but now that I am well, they have moved on. I, on the other hand, did not experience the full impact of the trauma as I was going through it. All my energy and focus was on making it through treatment and surgery. As I am in new situations or returning to familiar activities the emotional impact of the trauma is released. Recently I was looking through the plastic container that held my medicine for a small pill holder. I had waves of emotion and memories flood over me.

When I had ovarian cancer and was undergoing treatment I felt as though I was a "prisoner" in my own body. I had no real control over my body or my life at that time. The cancer caused my body to react by producing fluid (ascities) in my abdomen, which I needed to have drained on several occasions. It was rather scary the first time, but I wanted relief: they ended up draining about 7 litres of fluid! I had it drained three more times and it was progressively less fluid each time, as the chemo was destroying the cancer cells. I also had lost a lot of weight - probably between 25 and 30 pounds. Many times right after receiving chemo I did not feel like eating for the first few days, or I was too nauseous to keep anything down. When I eventually did eat, I concentrated on high protein foods and I supplemented my diet with "Ensure". I was trying to regain weight in order to build up my strength to cope with the chemotherapy treatments. These were times I would not want to repeat.

I need to write my story; I need to release all that is inside. It has taken tremendous emotional energy to bring me through to where I am now. I was encouraged to remain positive. That has helped me "find the silver lining in every cloud" I faced.

When I look at the pictures of me without hair or with very little hair, I am shocked at how I looked. I am often smiling in these pictures. I do not recall any negative feedback from my family while I was going through it. They accepted my hair loss and I accepted it; we had no control over it. This is what I had written in my journal on October 30 2007, "Last night I was so full of praise to God. I told Dan [my husband] that I wished that Jesus was right here so that I could hug Him. I right away had the sense that Jesus was hugging me; holding me close to His heart. I looked just how I look now - shorn head with balding spots and yet I was safe in His arms."

An Encourager On The Sidelines

2008-07-29T12:53:00.017-04:00

I would like to honour a man, my dad, who has been a great encourager to me, on this journey of overcoming ovarian cancer.

My father has not idly watched me, but rather he has spoken many words of encouragement. He has also lifted me up in prayer to my Heavenly Father; Dad knew that only God could intervene and bring me through victoriously.

My dad has also willingly "stepped in" when needed. During the early days right after receiving chemo, I always had someone at home with me. Dad took several turns to "be on call" should I need anything. One time he drove me to Emergency when I had troubling side-effects, and my husband met me there. My father has also driven my mother and me to the hospital for my chemotherapy treatments.

The encouragement has continued, but now the focus has been on my hair's growth. Dad made positive comments as my hair poked through; slowly filled in; and grew. I know that my father will continue to be an encourager to me, as he often has an encouraging word in response to what I have just written on my blog.

Cottage Memories

2008-07-19T11:03:00.020-04:00

A week ago at this time, my husband Dan and I were just ending a mini vacation at a cottage in Muskoka. We first went to this cottage nineteen years ago when Chris was 4 and Joy was 2. We had just finished unloading the car when we heard Chris crying loudly; he had tripped on his way into the cottage and had cut open his forehead. We all headed off to the hospital, which was 30 minutes away, for him to get stitches. We did not get back to the cottage until closer to midnight. One day during that week the four of us were in the lake; Joy and Chris had life jackets on and were sitting in inflatable toys. All of a sudden Joy was upside down with her feet in the air! I quickly turned her over. She was okay, it did not seem to faze her! Over the years we continued going to this cottage and we did not have any more personal mishaps.

Dan is an avid fisherman so it is quite natural that our children are also "fisherpeople". We have many pictures of these proud "fisherboys" and "fishergirl" with their catch of little fish. In proportion to their own size, these fish are quite big! Over the years the fish they have caught have increased in size and quantity. We have had many fish dinners over the years. Later, as the children grew, it was often the boys who would wake up early to go fishing with Dan. A small boat came with the cottage rental, but we had to borrow a boat motor. Now we bring our own boat and motor.

We have many happy memories of our times spent at this cottage. There were many evenings we had campfires or played different games. Now that the children are grown up and have jobs, they are not always able to go with us. Last year only Joy and Chris came as they were able to get time off; Tim was working at a job site in Ottawa so he was unable to come. This was the first year that only Dan and I were able to go, so we had split the week with my parents. We went up to the cottage on the Tuesday night right after an early supper. While we did have a nice time, I missed having the children there to enjoy it with us.

God's Love Endures Forever

2008-07-17T09:01:00.011-04:00

A wise man once told me "Don't look at what you cannot do. Look instead at what God wants to teach you through this."
"His love endures forever."

It does not help me or quicken the healing process for me to bemoan that I am not where I want to be right now.
"His love endures forever."

Having cancer and undergoing treatment and surgery is not the same as having the flu. It takes longer to recover and to build up one's strength.
"His love endures forever."

I think I had a "matter of fact" attitude to me having ovarian cancer. While I was praying for healing, I accepted the fact that I had cancer and I needed to undergo chemotherapy and surgery. What I was not prepared for was my resulting emotions and responses after it was all over.
"His love endures forever."

Having cancer, I feel, was like being pushed off a cliff. Now I am in the process of "climbing back up". There are no "elevators" or "T-bars" to assist me. It is a slow, sometimes laborious, process. I cannot will my body to be stronger or to not get tired.
His love endures forever."

I think I resented the fact that I became ill with ovarian cancer rather quickly, but my recovery is not as quick as the onset was.
"His love endures forever."

When I pause and "look at what God wants to teach" me, I hear in my spirit "His love endures forever." In the midst of my trials, God is there upholding me.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords.
His love endures forever."
Psalm 136:1-3 (NIV)

Psalm 136 tells the story of Israel's history with "His love endures forever" inserted after each phrase. As I was going to write this blog that psalm came to mind - hence the insertions.

Hair-y Thoughts

2008-07-15T11:25:00.002-04:00

I find that I look at other women's short hairstyles intently; I am wanting to see if my hair looks "normal" yet. I think that parts of my hair, at the back and sides, are close in length to some short hair styles. Most women though have longer hair on top of their head; mine is still quite short.

Another advantage of very short hair is that I can try out various short hairstyles as my hair grows. It is not as drastic as if I had cut my hair this short from the original length. My hair had been shoulder-length or even a bit longer. I had been meaning to get it cut before I became sick. As my hair was thinning I had my daughter cut my hair to chin length; that helped make it look healthier. I am glad that I still had hair and felt well enough to get my drivers' licence photo taken; I was going to have that picture for five years!

I think that I am expecting miraculous hair growth because I often look in the mirror first thing in the morning expecting it to look longer. Maybe "watched" hair doesn't grow, much like "a watched pot never boils"! I know that my hair is growing; it is now starting to grow over my ears. That may sound pretty long, but it is only about an inch long everywhere. There is a slight wave on the top of my head and I do see some grey hairs.

Yesterday I was in Costco and I wanted to get some information from the pharmacy department. After I asked the woman there what I had wanted to know, she said "I like your hair! It opens your face". I received her compliment and thanked her without adding my usual explanation that I didn't cut my hair in this style, but rather it is just starting to grow in after chemo.

A Visit With My Friend

2008-07-05T10:32:00.024-04:00

Yesterday I drove with my daughter Joy to Barrie; she had to meet someone at noon as she was going away for a weekend retreat. I had the idea of calling my good friend Dianne to see if she could meet me in Barrie for lunch. She had the day off and, since her husband also needed to go to Barrie, we met at Tim Horton's and not where we usually meet. This was a small window of opportunity that we were able to snatch.

We greeted each other with a hug. "You look good!", Dianne exclaimed and then commented on my hair. We had easy conversation, updating each other on our lives and our families. As we were sitting in Tim Horton's, I said to Dianne that it is a "big thing" when I first do something I haven't done since before I was sick. She responded that me driving to Barrie and meeting her for lunch was a "big thing"! When I look back on where I have been and see where I am now I can agree.

Dianne had visited me in the hospital when I first was in Southlake. There is a rooftop terrace just off the Cancer Ward that she wheeled me out to as I was too weak to walk. When I was first home from the hospital and experiencing all the side effects from chemo, Dianne visited me. We were going to have tea together. I was very weak and I tired easily, so after a short time I laid down in my bed and Dianne sat on the edge of the bed. Dianne was here another time when our new queen-sized bed was delivered. She helped Joy make the bed; put the duvet into its cover; tuck in the pillowcase ends just like hotels do; and then I was allowed to see the result!

Dianne has seen me at my lowest points. She has seen my head at various stages of hair loss. I have felt comfortable and confident in allowing Dianne to see me so vulnerable because I trust her. We have been friends for thirteen years. We have shared many experiences, good and bad. Even though our visit was short, it was good to see each other again. We're going to go for a BBQ at her place soon; then we'll have more opportunity to talk.

"A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need." Proverbs 17:17 (NLT)

The Benefits of Very Short Hair

2008-06-28T12:08:00.006-04:00

I have decided that instead of feeling sorry for myself and indulging in self-pity I would compose a list of benefits of having very short hair.

1) It is cooler in the hot, humid weather.

2) I am able to have all the car windows wide open, and the sun roof open, without hair blowing in my face!

3) It is quick to get ready; I just wash my hair and go.

4) It is economical; I save on hair styling products and visits to the hair salon.

5) When I awaken in the morning I have no "bed head"!

6) I have no "bad hair days"!

7) There is no hair out of place. I can be confident that I look the same all day, from the first look in the mirror to the last look at night!

I know that my hair is growing and I won't always have very short hair. I will look back on this time and thank God for bringing me through it.

Signposts

2008-06-24T10:52:00.013-04:00

I have "signposts" that mark where I have been and where I am now.

As I was getting drinking water to fill some water jugs, I recognized a "signpost". When I just had chemo I filled a large water bottle on a regular basis. I needed to flush the toxic chemicals from my sensitive organs. When I was experiencing the side effects of "Stemetil", the anti-nausea drug that I was allergic to, I could barely walk downstairs; I needed to use two hands to carry a filled water jug. Now I can carry two water jugs, one in each hand. I still drink water, but I don't have the urgency or need to rid my body of toxins.

I am now walking, quite briskly, by myself to Curves. I used to only go for a walk if I was accompanied by my husband or my daughter. I feel as if my oncologist gave me a gift or "the key" to now live a healthy life when she gave her approval for me to join Curves.

There are other "signposts" when I do laundry; make dinner; wash dishes; load or unload the dishwasher. These are all tasks that others in my family had to do, without any help from me. Now they chip in as needed, but I am the one who is now able to do these on a regular basis.

The other night, as my husband and I were watching TV, I asked Dan if he ever was reminded of when I was so sick. It was a "signpost" to me, but to him it was just a continuation or resumption of a normal occurrence.

I have decided that when I notice a "signpost" I will thank God for how He has brought me from "there" to "here".

"You are my God, and I will give you thanks; you are my God, and I will exalt you. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalm 118:28,29 (NIV)

Patience

2008-06-19T08:41:00.005-04:00

I was thinking about my life, and how much of it centers around the need for patience. I have written in boldface the words that came to mind regarding Patience. I then sought scriptures that conveyed the impression God was giving me regarding these words.

A suggestion I have is to read this twice. First read only the boldface words. On the second read-through, just read the scriptures one after another. You will find that they flow from one to another and it is my desire that you will be as encouraged as I was.

Peace
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter, Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned from me and heard from me and saw me doing, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4: 8,9 (NLT)

Assurance
"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10: 22,23 (NIV)

Trust
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3: 5,6 (NLT)

Insight
"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God." Philippians 1: 9-11 (NIV)

Expectancy
"For I live in eager expectation and hope that I will never do anything that causes me shame, but that I will always be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past, and that my life will always honor Christ, whether I live or I die." Philippians 1:20 (NLT)

Near
"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." Psalm 145: 18 (NIV)

Certainty
"Many have undertaken to draw up an account of the things that have been fulfilled among us, just as they were handed down to us by those who from the first were eyewitnesses and servants of the word. Therefore, since I myself have carefully investigated everything from the beginning, it seemed good also to me to write an orderly account for you, most excellent Theophilius, so that you may know the certainty of the things you have been taught." Luke 1: 1-4 (NIV)

Endurance
"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." Romans 15: 4 (NIV)

Physical Exercise

2008-06-18T12:31:00.010-04:00

I am taking part in the "30 Days for 30 Dollars" challenge at Curves. I had wanted to start doing exercises to help build up my muscles, as they had been weakened through inactivity;the trauma of having cancer; the resulting chemotherapy; and major abdominal surgery. Also since I no longer have ovaries I am at a greater risk for osteoporosis.

When I had my first follow-up appointment with my oncologist this month, I had mentioned my desire to one day join Curves; she thought that would be a good idea. I am taking it slowly and trying to not overdo it. I only go around the circuit once instead of the usual two and a half times. I was advised by a former physiotherapist to start with three repetitions and build up each time by one. I go three times a week and it usually takes me twenty minutes to walk there, so I am getting plenty of exercise. I am glad that I have already been building up my strength through going for walks with my husband or my daughter. I plan on joining Curves once this trial period ends and I hope to one day resume my beginner ballet classes.

Wig-Free

2008-06-17T15:46:00.009-04:00

I have "taken the plunge" by going without my wig in public. I have had a "love/hate" relationship with my wig. When I was losing my hair I appreciated having a "hair prosthesis" that helped to keep up the appearance of a normal healthy female. I grew accustomed to putting it on before I faced the public.

At first I disliked all the hair around my face. I could not tuck some hair behind my ears, as I was used to doing, because I did not have any "sideburns"; the hair that grows just in front of your ears. I often felt it was like I was wearing a mask, in that it hid the true state of my hair or lack of it.

My main reason for not wearing my wig was the fact that it is synthetic hair, so it was too hot to wear in the humid weather. So far I have had only positive feedback to such a short "hairstyle". If anyone has thought negatively, they have thankfully kept their criticism to themselves. My hair is downy soft and lies flat against my head. Today, though, I just noticed a tuft of hair sticking up. I wonder how I will like my hairstyle once it is "sticking up" all over!

My Blog

2008-06-12T12:45:00.012-04:00

There are days when a lot happens and I think "I could blog about that", yet I don't because I can't find the words to make it sound interesting and not like a report. There are other times that I write a lot in my journal, but I don't write those entries on my blog; they are not to be shared publicly.

I have chosen not to limit who can read my blog. I know some of the people who read my blog on a regular basis because they have told me they do. I try to keep them in mind when I am writing my blog to make sure that they can understand what I am trying to convey. It is easy to get stuck in "Christianese", which is a term for words and terms that only those in Christian circles would be able to understand. I have also wanted to be real in my struggles, especially concerning my battle with ovarian cancer. I have even shared some of the heartache that I have faced in the past, not in detail but in generalities.

To write on a blog, I feel, is both a privilege and a responsibility. I often have my daughter, husband, or mother read my blog before I actually post it. As a result there have been times when I have edited it for clarity or to remove unnecessary information. I have stated in the header of my blog that "It is my desire to encourage others and to bring glory to God. I desire to be led by the Holy Spirit in what I share".

Scars

2008-06-04T10:46:00.018-04:00

Yesterday, I had a "momentary lapse of reality", if that is what you would call it. I was getting changed in the bathroom. As my torso was exposed, I was momentarily surprised to see the scar. "Oh yeah, I had surgery". I know I had surgery and I have seen my scar every day since then, but yesterday was the first day that I was looking in the mirror as I changed. This experience got me thinking about scars. At the moment mine is "angry red" against fair skin. Up close it doesn't look that red, but seeing my reflection in the mirror, the scar is definitely noticeable.

The other day when I was in the checkout line at the grocery store, I noticed that the cashier had a faded pink scar just below her neck. Someone once showed me their scar, which had faded to white. I know that my scar will continue to heal; it might be the "pink variety" and not the "white kind".

In the midst of my rambling thoughts, God brought to mind the fact that Jesus still had His scars after the Resurrection. God has the power and ability to remove the scars and re-create new fresh skin, yet He chooses to leave our scars as reminders.

"One of the disciples, Thomas (nicknamed the Twin), was not with the others when Jesus came. They told him, 'We have seen the Lord!' But he replied, 'I won't believe it unless I see the nail wounds in his hands, put my fingers into them, and place my hand into the wound in his side,' Eight days later the disciples were together again, and this time Thomas was with them. The doors were locked; but suddenly, as before, Jesus was standing among them. He said, 'Peace be with you.' Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here and see my hands. Put your hand into the wound in my side. Don't be faithless any longer. Believe!'. 'My Lord and my God!' Thomas exclaimed. Then Jesus told him, 'You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who haven't seen me and believe anyway.' John 20: 24-29 (NLT)

An Afternoon of Pampering

2008-05-30T10:32:00.026-04:00

Yesterday I was treated to an afternoon at a local spa. We had lunch in the cafe. It was good to catch up and reminisce about old times. Our lives are very different; she is a single business woman who owns her own home; I am a homemaker, married for 25 years this September, with 3 children, ages 23,21 and 18. Despite our differences we share a common heritage. We are not too distant cousins; our grandmothers were sisters. We have seen each other off and on throughout the years, but we each agreed that we needed to not let so much time go by before we get together again.

It was my first outing wearing my stylish white and black sunhat, which complimented my outfit of black capris and white sweater. I knew I did not want to wear my wig because it would interfere with my spa treatments. I was given a choice of what I would like. I chose a half hour aromatherapy massage and I got my eyebrows waxed. Of course I removed my hat when I had the treatments. I was able to share my experience of ovarian cancer with the massage therapist. I also shared about the upcoming "Celebrate" luncheon at The Royal York hotel and my desire for nicely shaped eyebrows.

Cancer has had an impact on my life but, in the midst of dealing with the side-effects of chemo such as hair loss, I was able to be pampered; I reconnected with my cousin in an enjoyable setting; and I got to look "fashionable" in my stylish hat.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28 (NLT)

God Directs Our Steps

2008-05-26T08:47:00.012-04:00

On Saturday, I accompanied my husband Dan and our youngest son Tim to the University of Toronto (U of T). Tim has been accepted to their "Track One" Engineering; it is a first year of undeclared field of interest that deals with the various disciplines of engineering.

It has been a long process coming to this point. It had been hard for me to have an active role since I was undergoing chemo and not up to going to check out various universities. When I had chemo brain fog it was hard to think straight and to process the pros and cons. Dan took a more active role in taking Tim to a university fair, where they gathered brochures from various universities. Tim and I then went through them and weeded out the ones that didn't offer the specific courses he was interested in. We then discovered two in Toronto which offered a first year of general engineering and then the following years would be in the area of interest; be it civil, mechanical, chemical or computer to name a few. Tim applied to both of these universities and was accepted. He then needed to decide which offer of admission he would accept.

I had a dream one evening that I was in downtown Toronto. I met my dad as I was standing on the street near the GO train station. My dad said he was going to walk home through the buildings (There is a series of underground paths that do connect a number of buildings in the downtown core). I decided that I would walk home too. I entered a building and on my right I saw a room of people wearing protective gear and goggles. They had cameras on tripods and Rubik's Cubes were on top of the cameras. A person approached me and I asked about their activity. She took off her goggles and said, "We're engineers". I said, "My son wants to be an engineer and he has a camera, what is the Rubik's Cube for?" She said, " It has to do with physics". When we received the acceptance package from U of T, it had a picture of a Rubik's Cube on the front cover! Also, the professor in charge of Track One Engineering is a woman! In discussing the aspect of both universities, we came to the conclusion that U of T was the university for Tim.

When we were sitting in the presentation by the Track One program, I was further encouraged by the rightness of our choice. We heard several students' experiences. A couple of them had been considering two particular disciplines of engineering, but as a result of this program they chose a completely different discipline to major in. The Track One students are considered the cream of the crop in engineering; all of the Core 8 disciplines want to woo them to their area of study. Once a month each department hosts a lunch for the students and the head professor and upper students, including graduate students, share their experiences; what jobs are available; what new and exciting things they are doing and studying. That was further confirmation to me that Tim is in the right university and the right program. I believe that God will continue to direct Tim into the area of engineering he is to major in.

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9 (NLT)

"The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives." Psalm 37:23 (NLT)

Healing, Wisdom and Favour

2008-05-21T12:15:00.008-04:00

There are many voices, each with a "word from the Lord". I need to quiet my heart to hear what the Lord is speaking to me. I had turned on the TV to see who was on. I then turned to a channel in preparation for an upcoming program. There was a man saying he would pray that 120 people would receive 3 miracles - healing, wisdom and favour. Those are all things I need. The "catch" was that in order for it to be effective in your life you needed to give $1000.00. I did not have to buy my healing. There is no man or woman who can take credit for my healing. It is only God who can take credit. I am glad that I don't have to buy healing, wisdom or favour.

"If you need wisdom - if you want to know what God wants you to do - ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do." James 1:5-8 (NLT)

"May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us - yes, establish the work of our hands." Psalm 90:17 (NIV)

Reaping Love and Care

2008-05-19T07:00:00.005-04:00

These are two entries that I wrote in my journal in November of last year:

Many of the people who have cared for me during this time had no "obligation of friendship" to do so. We had been friends in the past or I had ministered to them in the past; but there was no "present claim" on their affection. Yet I was now reaping what I had sown. I have sown love and caring into the lives of many others and now is the season of reaping a harvest of caring. At times I am overwhelmed by the magnitude of the outpouring of love and concern expressed towards me and my family.

I know that God has a plan for my life and He is using cancer as part of that plan. I know that different people would not have reached out to me had I not had cancer. God has used this to strengthen and restore relationships. People are what matter. I sense God saying to me that my life as I once knew it is not over; that I will be restored to ministry and using my gifts. Now is my season to receive; to be blessed by the gifts and actions of others.

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." Galatians 6:7-10 (NIV)

"Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously." 2 Corinthians 9:6 (NIV)

"Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness on you." Hosea 10:12 (NIV)

God is Dependable

2008-05-17T20:37:00.008-04:00

I have just finished off one journal and I decided to reread it. I usually put key words at the top of each page in order to facilitate finding something at a later date. On October 30, 2007 I had written this:

Last night I was thinking how God is dependable. [The following are words that had come to mind]

Deliverer
Encourager
Powerful
Ever present
Not a man that He should lie
Delights in us
All-knowing
Beside us
Loving
Enduring

I had written the above after my second chemo treatment.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:5-8 (NIV)

My Two Sons

2008-05-13T11:05:00.007-04:00

My two sons, Chris and Tim, have been a blessing to me, each in their own way.

Chris, my eldest son, has a quiet strength. He may be a "man of few words", but when he speaks words of encouragement and love, they are worth their weight in gold. Chris has given me gifts with hope attached to them. When I was first in the hospital last fall, Chris gave me, for my birthday, a gift certificate for a local spa. After I had to go to Emergency he bought me some pink boxing gloves "to fight" ovarian cancer. For Christmas, Chris and Tim gave my husband and me a gift certificate for a local restaurant, which we just redeemed recently. He also drove me to the hospital for my last pre-chemo test. Chris is an "all out" kind of guy; he does things in a "big way". One day he decided to wash the kitchen floor, but first he dusted every room except the bedrooms; then he vacuumed those rooms; then he washed the kitchen floor!

Tim, my youngest son has the ability to see the "silver lining in every cloud". He has been a great encourager and our resident comedian! We can always count on Tim to have a witty word for us. Whenever I had been tempted to lose hope, Tim would remind me of how far I had come and how this season of life is only a small part of my whole life. Tim is also our resident photographer, with a passion for capturing nature in all its aspects. My sisters had asked Tim to take pictures of the mini-walk they had organized last fall to raise funds and awareness for Ovarian Cancer Canada. I was unable to attend that event as I was experiencing the side effects of Stemetil, the anti-nausea drug that I was allergic to. I am glad that Tim did such a good job of capturing this event for me. Tim has also been taking pictures of me to record my journey in dealing with ovarian cancer. He has taken many candid photographs that convey the truth that "a picture is worth a thousand words".

My sons are a blessing from the Lord.

"Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth." Psalm 127:3,4 (NIV)

"Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in his ways. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table. Thus is the man blessed who fears the Lord." Psalm 128:1-4 (NIV)

A Passion For Ministry

2008-05-05T08:55:00.009-04:00

Yesterday we had a guest speaker at church. He is a pastor to the workers at Christian Horizons, a Christian organization that ministers to those with "exceptional needs". He spoke about having a passion and ministering out of it. I had a passion and I was ministering out of it. I was using my gifts, talents and abilities as well. Instead of being "fired up" by the message I became depressed and angry. The doors to past ministry are firmly shut and no new doors have opened up.

This morning I was thinking about it and my response had been one of resignation. I had a "what's the use?" type of response and I was quenching my passion. I had the impression of great pressure being put on me to "squeeze" me into acting. I spent too many years in believing the lie "what's the use?". God had put tremendous pressure on me to push me out of my comfort zone and venture out to discover what He had for me.

I know that I am not yet strong enough to physically venture out. I know that I need to continue to heal. I am content in that aspect - I need to be because I cannot push my body. When I have felt well enough, I have done too much and I have paid for it the next day by being exhausted. I need to keep my passion alive while I wait and regain my strength.

I wanted to add a scripture, so I asked the Lord for one. He reminded me of the scripture an elder had read to close the morning service. At the time I thought it was an odd choice, but now it makes sense to me.

"The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him." 2 Chronicles 16:9a (NLT)

That is God's promise to me.

The Picture of 3 Stone Hearts

2008-05-04T09:40:00.004-04:00

(photo by Jodi Greenstreet)

A Shaped Heart

2008-05-04T08:11:00.010-04:00

I have been thinking about a photo a friend had posted on Facebook; it is of three heart-shaped stones on sand. It must have taken great force to shape these stones. I then thought about my heart and the adversities that have shaped my heart.

I had prayed for improved relationships with family members; I did not pray to have ovarian cancer. I prayed for true faith and not the "name it- claim it" variety; I did not pray for unknown outcomes. I prayed for God to restore to me all I had lost; I did not pray that more would be taken away in order to make room for the restored things to grow and mature.

God has given me the desires of my heart; the means and circumstances have not always been of my choosing. In each circumstance I have had a choice to allow God to shape my heart; in doing so I have received so much more than I could have ever imagined.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20,21 (NIV)

Spring Has Sprung!

2008-04-25T20:49:00.016-04:00

Spring has sprung and so has my hair! My hairline is now visible and the hair has poked through. The weather is warm enough for me to go around the house without a hat. When I go outside I usually wear a baseball cap. It is the hat my sisters designed for the "Mini Walk of Hope" they had organized last fall. The word "HOPE" is embroidered on the face of it. The "O" is a stylized sunflower, which is the official emblem of Ovarian Cancer Canada. I also have two stylish sun hats that I have begun to wear when I need more coverage from the sun.

I have started to go for a walk most days with my daughter or my husband. Sometimes I go for a walk twice in one day, once with each of them! I don't venture off on my own yet. It is so nice to be outside after being cooped up all fall and winter. I even hung out the laundry last washday. My children carried the baskets for me though as I still have limitations to my strength and stamina.

I am participating more in the household routines, but the family still helps out. I now go grocery shopping, but I need someone to carry the bags as they are often too heavy for me. When I look back on how weak I once was and compare it to what I am now able to do, I am encouraged and given hope for a full recovery. I was told by my home nurses that it takes about six months to fully recover your strength after having chemo and surgery. I am more content now, in this "spring" season of my life; I have occasional activities and then times of rest and recuperation.

One Who Loves Me

2008-04-22T12:55:00.000-04:00

"And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word...In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. And we are his body. As the Scriptures say, 'A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.' This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5: 25,26,28-33 (NLT)

My husband, Dan, has fulfilled those scriptures by lovingly caring for me when I was so weak.

When I was first in the hospital last fall, Dan would bathe me while I sat on a chair in the shower; it took too much out of me to do it myself. Once, after Dan had shaved my legs, I said to my sisters, "How many husbands would do that for their wives?". One Sunday morning before church, Dan drove to the hospital to help me shower and get dressed for the day. He would return for a visit later in the day.

After I came home from the hospital and was experiencing the side effects from Stemetil, Dan not only continued to bathe me, but his care for me branched out in other ways. I would hold onto him for support as I would shuffle about the house or as I walked up or down stairs. He also massaged my aching limbs. There were a couple of nights that I woke Dan up because I was so sore and he massaged my arms, legs and hands.

Dan, not only cared for me physically, but he also cared for me spiritually. We were given a book that had healing scriptures and prayers, which Dan would read over me. If I would stir in the night he was ever vigilant to see if I was okay or if I needed anything. Often Dan would then pray for me or quote healing scriptures over me. There were times, early on in my diagnosis, that he was brought to tears over my physical state.

In sharing these intimate actions of my husband, Dan, I have wanted to convey the respect and appreciation I have for this man. Dan is not only "One who loves me", but I am "One who loves him". God has brought our marriage to a deeper level of intimacy as a result of Dan's loving obedience to God's command "to love his wife as he loves himself".

Freed To Dance

2008-04-14T11:29:00.016-04:00

The dancers at my church, Holly and Linda, held a dance workshop this past Saturday. The main focus was to be on using flags and what their colours signified. Both my husband and I attended and took part in the various activities.

At the beginning of the workshop, Holly handed out a slip of paper and pen to every participant. She instructed us to ask the Lord to reveal to each of us what was holding us back from dancing, and to write it on the paper. What had come to me was "heaviness, sorrow, fear of man, illness - cancer". We were then to place it on a representative altar and pray that it would no longer hinder us. We then were instructed to respond, in dance/movement, to a song about "freedom" in whatever way we wanted.

At the end of the workshop we split into groups to take part in dancing, using flags, or using sticks to "Days of Elijah". I decided to be in the group that used flags as this would be my first time dancing since being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I didn't want to overdo it and attempt too much physical activity.

On Sunday morning during the worship time, Linda approached me and another lady with a couple of large silver flags. She wanted us to flag to the song "Healer" by Mike Guglielmucci, which was being sung by the congregation. As I was flagging and walking in the aisle, I started to weep because of the words of the song and how they applied to my life. These are some of the words that spoke to me - "You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease... I believe You're my healer... Nothing is impossible for You". I sensed the Lord's presence heavily upon me. My daughter later told me that she was weeping when she saw me flagging. I believe that Saturday's workshop was an integral part in preparing me for Sunday's service. I am in awe of God's leading.

My Daughter

2008-04-07T08:03:00.008-04:00

I have wanted to write about my daughter, Joy; to publicly acknowledge all that she has done and been for me since I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer. What came to mind was to create an alphabet of sorts that would mention many of the ways she has blessed me.

Adapted quickly
Baked cookies & muffins
Cooked dinners
Drove me places
Encouraged me
Found her strength in God
Gave gifts
Helped out
Interceded in prayer
Joyful
Kind
Loving
Managed the household
Never gave up
Organized
Prayed for me
Quick to act
Reliable
Sensitive
Trustworthy
Understanding
Valuable member of our family
Washed piles of clothes
X-tra special
Yielded much fruit
Zealous in wanting me to eat healthy natural foods

"But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 5:22,23a (NLT)

Slip, Sliding Away!

2008-04-02T12:33:00.013-04:00

The title "Slip, Sliding Away" came to me as I was thinking about my wig and the tendency for it to slip, or feel like it has slipped, when I am wearing it for a while. Today I saw a picture that my mother recently took of me, my sisters and our cousins. My wig is pushed back and my forehead is exposed. The proper positioning of my wig is such that my eyebrows,or lack of them, are mostly hidden. I can have different looks in the same day without even knowing it! I don't think that my wig would actually fall off unless I was nodding my head vigorously or bobbing around a lot. I don't think I want to try that just in case!

People are often surprised to know that I am wearing a wig, which helps me not to feel self-conscious. I have gotten used to wearing it, but I still feel as if I am looking at someone else who resembles me whenever I see a photograph of me in my wig. I think I look more like myself when I am wearing a hat or when I am bald-headed.

We have been recording my journey with digital pictures, but they have not yet been developed. I was told by someone that they had regretted not having pictures of them without any hair. Yesterday I saw a picture of a hairstyle that I wouldn't mind trying; it was layered all over, and would look good straight or wavy. It would probably take a year or more for my hair to grow into the style of my wig. The advantage of being totally bald is that I get to start afresh and try different styles as my hair grows.

Daylilies and Spurts of Energy

2008-03-24T20:32:00.007-04:00

When others ask how I am doing, I reply, "Good". I have spurts of energy and then I am tired. When thinking about this "daylilies" came to mind. Each bloom lasts only one day, but as each flower stem will carry many buds, a mature plant will have many stems, so a plant will be in flower for many weeks.

I had a busy Easter weekend. We went to church for the Good Friday service. In the foyer after the service, I greeted an older couple with an embrace and exclaimed, "I made it!". Back in early December the husband had gone out of his way to encourage me. He had faced cancer and God had brought him through; God would bring me through it as well.

In the afternoon we got together with my mom's side of the family for a belated 70th birthday party for my aunt. While there I mingled with my relatives. I was tired when we got home and so I rested. Today, when talking with my sister, she said how her husband had remarked that I had acted like my usual healthy self.

Early Saturday morning we received a call from our bank manager. We could bring in our necessary documents so he could begin to process our financing. We need to purchase a vehicle as ours was written off as a result of an accident. We also needed to test drive the vehicle we were thinking of purchasing, and do grocery shopping as well. We managed to do all that and when I came home I laid down.

On Sunday morning we attended church. We were going to have my parents join us for a roast beef dinner later that evening. Since I was making a nice dinner and it was Easter, I decided to use my good china and silverware. I needed to polish the silver as it was tarnished, which only added to my workload. In between polishing the silver, peeling the potatoes, and setting the table, I rested in a recliner chair. I was exhausted by the end of the evening so others cleaned up, which was a blessing.

I may not have the energy and stamina that I once had before having ovarian cancer, but I am definitely a lot stronger and healthier than I have been since my diagnosis and treatment. I need to be thankful for the things I am able to do and accept my limitations without resentment. This is a season in my life that will not last forever. I need to appreciate the "daylilies" in my life until the "heartier flowers" are in bloom.

The "Flowers" Of My Life

2008-03-20T10:26:00.032-04:00

I recently attended Canada Blooms, an indoor gardening show that featured various garden displays; and flowers in bloom! It was a refreshing sight after so much snow! It got me thinking about my gardens; the flowers will soon be poking through. There is life in the bulbs of perennials, but it isn't obvious to our eyes until they start to break through the ground. Even though I cannot see my tulips or daffodils or crocuses, that doesn't change their essence of being. I too am like the perennial flowers in that it might not be obvious to my eyes that I look, or feel, like me; but my essence of being has not been changed with the diagnosis of ovarian cancer or the side effects resulting from chemo.

Soon my hair will begin to grow again. My strength is gradually returning. I know that a flower does not instantly appear in full bloom. It takes time for the flower to push through the soil; and for the stalk or stem to grow strong enough to support the flower when it is in full bloom. Not all perennials bloom at the same time; my tiger lilies bloom later than the daffodils, tulips and crocuses. As my strength and physical endurance, gradually and progressively, increase so too will I be able to take part in the activities that I did before this winter season of my life.

Enough, Already!

2008-03-12T08:50:00.009-04:00

This recent snowfall of eighteen inches had many crying "Enough, already!" We have had lots of snow this winter and we were looking forward to milder weather. It is now March Break and Easter comes early this year. As my hair has again fallen out, leaving me with a bald head and odd-shaped patches of hair, I too cry out, "Enough, already!". I am tired of this winter season of my life and I long for spring.

Snow has its benefits in that it will help raise the water levels of the lakes and rivers. We did not get much rain last summer and the grass was burnt by the sun. I live near the Holland Marsh, which is Canada's main source of onions and carrots. The farmers use the water from the surrounding canals to irrigate.

These last two chemo treatments have their benefits in totally eradicating any residual cancer cells. The pathology report had shown cancer cells on the outside of the ovaries and fallopian tubes. My CA 125 level after my fifth chemo treatment was 12 (normal is 0-35), and I have had a sixth chemo treatment.

I am glad that this particular winter season of my life, in dealing with ovarian cancer, will not be repeated on a yearly basis! Just as the snow eventually melts; the temperature becomes warmer; and vegetation begins to grow; so too my winter season will come to an end. My new hair will probably start to grow and be visible when the trees are in bud! That is something I look forward to!

"As long as the earth remains, there will be springtime and harvest, cold and heat, winter and summer, day and night." Genesis 8:22 (NLT)

"You set the boundaries of the earth, and you make both summer and winter." Psalm 74:17 (NLT)

"There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NLT)

Milestones On The Road To Health

2008-03-08T08:58:00.018-05:00

In the last two weeks I have passed two milestones on my road to health.

On February 27 I had my final dose of chemotherapy. It has been a difficult road with all of the various side-effects that I have experienced. I had such a positive outcome from my surgery that I resented the need for two more chemo treatments. When I had expressed my concerns to the oncologist it was explained that the cancer was responding well to the chemo and therefore they wanted to complete the cycle of treatments. I was encouraged to proceed with my final chemo treatment. After receiving this chemo my attending nurse presented me with a "diploma". This is what it said: "Community Cancer Clinic At Southlake Regional Health Centre is thrilled to present you with this honorary diploma in recognition of your accomplishment and perseverance in completing your chemotherapy treatment! Presented by your nurses, February 27,2008". Printed on the paper is a very young girl with her outstretched arms raised and her mouth open as if she is shouting "Yeah!".

Yesterday was another milestone in that it was the day I was discharged from St. Elizabeth Health Care; which had been ongoing since the beginning of October. The nurses came frequently, as needed, and have been an integral part of my health care. They have seen me at my lowest points and now they felt that I was healthy enough to no longer need their services. There was one nurse in particular, who I had seen the most and she is the one who saw me yesterday. I was given a card to mark the occasion and this is what it said: "Congratulations to you...(hurray for you)...(way to go - you're amazing)...(celebrate)...You did it!...(from start to finish)...(from then to now)...(from dream to reality...)"

While these milestones are to be celebrated, there is one milestone that I want to be true of me at the end of my life here on earth . The Apostle Paul in his letter to Timothy states: "As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God. The time of my death is near. I have fought a good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. And now the prize awaits me - the crown of righteousness that the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on that great day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his glorious return." 2 Timothy 4: 6-8 (NLT)

Feeling Like "Me"

2008-03-04T10:04:00.012-05:00

It's official - I am losing my hair again; the telltale evidence is on my pillowcase. I think that the main issue that I struggle with concerning my hair loss is that I don't look or feel like me. Hair really does help define our individuality and personality. I think that is why so much money is spent on hair products. I have noticed since being diagnosed with ovarian cancer and experiencing hair loss, I have become more purposeful in my choice of clothes, hats and earrings. I try various combinations to reflect the mood I am in. When I am feeling healthy I take great care in what I wear, but on days I am merely just coping I dress in the most comfortable clothes and don't even bother to put on earrings.

Everyone loves my wig, which is nice, but it isn't me. I don't know if I will be able to wear my hair in that style. My hair has a natural wave; the wig is always the same; straight hair mostly in place. I have a very deep "widow's peak", which I discovered as my hair started growing in. That means that when I have bangs they all clump to the centre of my forehead. Also, since my hair has a natural wave bangs only look good at a certain length and then I get "wings". When my eyebrows had fallen out I needed to use eyeliner pencil to draw or fill them in. I also needed to line my eyelids when my eyelashes had fallen out. I am not a big makeup user; I mostly go fairly natural except when I am going out somewhere. I needed to use coverup since my face had broken out as a result of the chemo. My skin was very clear in the two months I didn't have chemo. I look forward to when I will both look and feel like me. In the meantime, I want it to be said of me that my inner beauty shines through in spite of the condition of my outer beauty.

"Don't be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." 1 Peter 3: 3,4 (NLT)

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." Proverbs 31:30 (NLT)

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

2008-02-26T09:55:00.000-05:00

Since having a two month break from chemo my hair had started to grow. My eyelashes are now visible. I now have eyebrows! They are starting to get full, but I am waiting to shape them until they are fully grown in. My son had given me a gift certificate to a spa for my birthday, so I am planning on having my eyebrows waxed.

The hair on my head is quite dark, almost black since it hasn't been lightened by the sun. It is downy soft just after I wash it. My hair is not quite a centimetre long, but there is a small tuft of hair that sticks up. My youngest son, ever the jokester, called me Alfalfa! The tuft is only a centimetre long as opposed to several inches! I like how my hair looks now; my whole head is covered with hair. I go without a hat most days at home since my head is warm enough. A number of people have commented that I should have my hair in the style of my wig, which is a chin-length bob with bangs. I don't know what style or length I will have my hair once it is long enough to even make that decision. I might try having it quite short.

Since having my first chemo after surgery, my scalp feels as if it is burning. That was what it felt like before my hair fell out. I have one more chemo treatment this Wednesday and that is the last one. Even though my hair could again fall out I know that it is only temporary; I will have a full head of hair again.

"We know that the same God who raised our Lord Jesus will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself along with you. All of these things are for your benefit. And as God's grace brings more and more people to Christ, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory. That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present toubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4: 14-18(NLT)

The Promise of Spring

2008-02-22T10:24:00.006-05:00

"In that day", says the Lord, "I will be the God of all the families of Israel, and they will be my people. I will care for the survivors as they travel through the wilderness. I will again come to give rest to the people of Israel". Long ago the Lord said to Israel: "I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. I will rebuild you, my virgin Israel. You will again be happy and dance merrily with tambourines. Again you will plant your vineyards on the mountains of Samaria and eat from your own gardens there." Jeremiah 31: 1-5 (NLT)

There were several phrases that stood out to me as I read that passage that I could apply to myself.

"I will care for the survivors as they travel through the wilderness." I am a cancer survivor. At times it feels as if I am in a "wilderness"; a place that is barren; solitary; far from the rest of human activity. I take great comfort in the fact that God doesn't leave me in that place, but He is with me as I "travel through the wilderness".

"I will rebuild you ... You will again be happy and dance merrily with tambourines". God is the One who will "rebuild" my strength. I see this verse as further confirmation that I will dance again. I want to dance a celebratory dance, just like Miriam did on the shores of the Red Sea after God had delivered Israel from the Egyptians. God has done a mighty deliverance for me too. I was "delivered" from the "jaws of death". Cancer could not hold me. God has healed me from a deadly cancer!

"Again you will plant your vineyards on the mountains of Samaria and eat from your own gardens there".While I may be in a winter season right now, spring is coming; the time for "planting" is near. It will not be in this "valley of the shadow of death", but on the mountains.

Right Where I Am

2008-02-19T10:10:00.008-05:00

I see the hand of God directing me; confirming the way that I have chosen; confirming that He is leading me. It was not a coincidence that my sister-in-law gave me the same little book I had been reading. It was confirmation that God is speaking to me through the prophetic words. God sees me right where I am and He says "Yes I am speaking to you".

I wrote the blog "Chemo Brain Frog" on the effects of chemo brain fog. I received an email from a published author who said my writing was inspirational. She too had felt the effects of chemo brain fog. That is further confirmation to me that God sees me right where I am and He says "Yes I am using you".

I had decided to join Facebook, knowing that this was another "piece of the puzzle" that God would use in my life. I had joined True Vibe, the non-denominational women's group in my hometown. I had attended a Bible Study that they had sponsored, but I was not currently involved in one since being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. They had recently begun the Beth Moore study "A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place". I had wanted to attend that study, but I wasn't sure if I would be physically up to it. I was still recovering from surgery and I needed two more chemo treatments. I noticed that the co-ordinator had posted the videos on the group's Facebook site. As I watched the introductary video, I heard God say "Yes I know where you are. I am making a way for Me to meet with you". I messaged the co-ordinator and was able to obtain a study guide. I will be able to work at my own pace, as I am clear-headed; I can watch the videos on-line. When I have recovered from the final chemo treatment I can join the ladies in person.

It would be easy to succumb to self-pity when I am in the midst of chemo brain fog or in my times of isolation, but God keeps pouring on the encouragement. I am in awe of God's relentless pursuit of me. He longs to speak to me; He longs to lead me; He longs to use me right where I am.

Chemo Brain Frog

2008-02-13T14:08:00.004-05:00

You might have wondered about the title "Chemo Brain Frog", but that is what came into my mind when I wanted to write on the topic of chemo brain fog. My head is all muddled and I find that I can lose my train of thought mid-sentence. It is almost as if my words fall off a cliff, never to be recovered. I get my words mixed up without even trying; they just pop into my mind and are spoken as if they are the correct words. Often as I am saying the wrong word I recognize that that is not really what I wanted to say.

There have been some comical moments such as when I told my home nurse that I was going to have a vascetomy instead of hysterectomy. As soon as I said it I said "no that's not what I meant" and then found the correct word. Sometimes it is rhyming words such as the title of this blog. One morning I saw a box of Shreddies on the table and as I was reaching for a bowl in the cupboard, I thought "I'll have a bowl of Freddies". Now I was not thinking of anyone named Freddie so I have no idea how that came to mind.

I also get phrases mixed up. Sometimes I watch "Little People Big World", but I once said to my daughter "let's watch Big People Little World". Today I found an envelope addressed to me in my Bible. I recognized my husband's handwriting. I thought it was odd that he was giving me an encouragement card today when Valentine's Day is tomorrow. When I opened it it was a Valentines card, he had given it to me a day early. When he called at lunch, I thanked him for the card and said that tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I said "better late than... no I mean better early than not at all". I am glad that I can find humour, and be able to laugh at my blunders, in what could be a source of frustration.

Hope Restored

2008-02-11T13:45:00.000-05:00

I had my hopes set on this past chemo being my last one. I have regained much of my strength and health in the time between chemo treatments and surgery. It was good to have that break of two months. My body was definitely the healthiest it has been in a long time. This round of chemo hasn't been too bad. I have not been sick and the feelings of nausea have mostly been manageable.

I had allowed myself to spiral downward almost into despair when I found out that I needed to have another chemo treatment. Chemo does take its toll on me. While I am grateful for the good it does in destroying cancer cells, I hate the way it messes with my body. I would not want to discourage anyone from taking chemo, but I can't pretend that it's "a walk in the park".

I had emailed family, friends and our church with the news that I needed to have a total of 6 chemo treatments; the final 2 would be "precautionary" to ensure that any microscopic cancer cells would be destroyed. I received some encouraging emails in reply. I was assured of love and prayer support. I was reminded of God's love and faithfulness to me. I needed my sisters in Christ to help lift me from the edge of despair.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." Proverbs 13:12 (NLT)

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Proverbs 14:30 (NIV)

"An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheer him up." Proverbs 12:25 (NIV)

A Virtuous And Capable Woman

2008-02-05T16:03:00.000-05:00

From the time I was first admitted to the hospital, right through to the present my mother has been a big help. My parents live in a basement apartment in our home. They lead very active lives even though they are in their 70's. I am blessed to have my mother living so close to me. When I needed my mom, she was there to care for me. There were times when I felt that it should be me caring for my parents, yet here they were caring for me. I am thankful that they are in relatively good health, but it has been hard for me to be "the weak one".

My mom has contended with "mountains" of laundry and she has helped "rally the troups" to help clean up. Mom has made dinner on several occasions as well. My mother has also taken time out from her busy schedule to take me to appointments and she has been with me when I have had my chemo. The most important thing my mother has done for me, I feel, is pray. When I have felt discouraged she has been an encourager. My mother is a virtuous and capable woman and I am blessed to have such an example.

"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. ... She is energetic and strong, a hard worker... She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions. She carefully watches all that goes on in her household and does not have to bear the consequences of laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: 'There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!' Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." Proverbs 31: 10,17,25-30 (NLT)

Strengthened by God

2008-02-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

Throughout my treatment I longed to be normal; to hold onto the real life of family commitments and sharing with friends. My activities were limited and scaled back. There were many days that I spent alone, longing for human connection. I think that the days of isolation were my loneliest days; I thrive on meaningful heart-to-heart connections. I did have visits from family and friends interspersed throughout my treatment. It seemed as if everyone's life was more interesting than mine. My world now included doctors, tests and drugs. I could talk about my family's activities, but I had no new or current interest that I was pursuing. It was hard for me to be sick and weak when I was used to being healthy and strong. There were days when I wondered if I would ever regain my strength.

I have been marked by cancer, but I am continuing on. I am pressing on to live a life of meaning, purpose and fulfillment. I recently noticed that the word cancer has the word can hidden in it. I can have a fulfilling life in my new state. I can move on from this place stronger than when I first faced it because God has strengthened me.

"I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need." Philippians 4:12,13 (NLT)

On Being A Survivor

2008-01-31T12:20:00.000-05:00

When I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer and undergoing treatment, I longed for the day that it could be said of me that I was a cancer survivor. A woman who is a three-year ovarian cancer survivor had visited me in October of last year. She brought me a pin from Ovarian Cancer Canada that is only for survivors. I put it on the baseball cap that my sisters had made to commemorate the mini-walk they had organized to raise funds and awareness for Ovarian Cancer Canada.

What I do struggle with is being marked or labeled "A Cancer Survivor" as if that is the only thing that defines me. When I was first undergoing treatment, I was determined to not allow cancer to define me and I welcomed every opportunity that allowed me to live a normal life apart from the diagnosis. I will always have the physical reminder that I once had ovarian cancer on account of the 6 inch (15cm) vertical scar on my abdomen/pelvis.

My sisters want me to attend a special fundraising event in the spring, which is being put on by Ovarian Cancer Canada. It is a luncheon/fashion show to be held at The Royal York hotel in Toronto. Jeannie Bekker, from Fashion Television and a judge on Canada's Next Top Model, will be there taking part. It will be quite a fancy event given the venue and planned program. I have no idea yet if I will wear my wig or if my hair will be long enough to look fashionable. I do know that I will look forward to being at that event and to be identified as one of the cancer survivors.

Loss & Weariness

2008-01-23T10:09:00.000-05:00

While I am rejoicing in the healing power of God, I still have to face the different losses I have experienced as a result of having had cancer. Some of my losses are temporary such as hair loss; it is starting to grow back! Others are more permanent such as loss of reproductive organs, loss of unmarred skin , and loss of a natural easement into menopause. I need to acknowledge these losses and the resulting feelings.

I must admit that I was a bit taken aback by the weariness that I have felt since coming through surgery and receiving such a positive answer to prayer. As I have mentioned previously I was holding onto God; basically just surviving; and trying to remain positive. I didn't allow myself to dwell on the losses as I was going through this experience since it would have defeated me. God has carried me.

Just as I have physical limitations as I recover from surgery, so too I have emotional limitations. My body needs to heal and I also need to heal from the trauma of having had cancer and all that that entails. I am still holding onto God and looking forward to when I will not only be strong physically, but emotionally as well.

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light.'" Matthew 11: 28-30 (NLT)

My Two Sisters

2008-01-21T08:43:00.000-05:00

I want to tell you about my two sisters, Gayle and Brenda. They have been there for me throughout this season of dealing with ovarian cancer. The day after finding out that I had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, Gayle searched the internet for information regarding the disease; she wanted to do something. She discovered that Ovarian Cancer Canada sponsored a walk to raise funds and awareness, but it had just occurred before I was diagnosed. She had the idea to have a mini walk, in my honour, in her hometown. With only a month to plan she and Brenda contacted their friends and relatives for support. We had the idea to contact a local paper since it was a human interest story. This helped to raise awareness for the disease and strangers even joined the walk. In total around $5000.00 was raised in a month. Since that time both sisters have volunteered to be on a committee for a future fundraising event for Ovarian Cancer Canada.

My sister Brenda has on two occasions driven me to the hospital for my pre-chemo checkups. What is special about that is that she lives almost an hour drive from me and she has needed to arrange babysitting for her youngest son. When I was in Sunnybrook, after my surgery, she came to visit me one day, with her young son, just to keep me company.

I have already written about the Sunshine Basket that my sisters filled with gifts big and small that would help "bring sunshine into a dark time". Gayle and Brenda have been my encouragers and "biggest fans" of my blogs. They have prayed for me; brought lunches; given gifts; at times called daily; visited me at the hospital and at home; and been a voice to call attention to ovarian cancer. I have been blessed to have such women as sisters.

Revival & Vitality

2008-01-20T10:03:00.000-05:00

I have spent the past several months just surviving; persevering; holding onto God in faith. I am weary. I know that the Lord can strengthen me. I need to rest in Him to be revived and re-vitalized. I decided to look up revive and vitality in the Webster's New World Dictionary.
"revive - [L. re - again + vivere - to live] 1. to return to life or consciousness 2. to return to health or vigor 3. to come or bring back into use, attention, popularity, exhibition, etc."
"vitality 1. power to live 2. power to endure 3. mental or physical vigor"

As I was writing out these definitions, my husband rushed into the living room to turn on the radio; "He Reigns" by The Newsboys was playing. That song was the one that I had danced to at a special worship service last summer right before I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I started to cry. I had my eyes closed remembering the moves. I know that I will dance again. I have held onto that dream and this was a reminder.

"Praise the Lord! Praise him in his heavenly dwelling. Praise him for his mighty works; praise his unequaled greatness! Praise him with a blast of the trumpet; praise him with the lyre and harp! Praise him with the tambourine and dancing; praise him with stringed instruments and flutes! Praise him with a clash of cymbals; praise him with loud clanging cymbals. Let everything that lives sing praises to the Lord! Praise the Lord!" Psalm 150 (NLT)

Looking To The Future

2008-01-18T21:30:00.000-05:00

I am starting to look to the future. I will be having my last chemo treatment on February 7th, in order to completely eradicate any possible microscopic cancer cells. My hair is starting to grow again with this break from chemo so I know that it will grow again. I am doing quite well physically considering I've had major surgery.

I was recently given a book "I Saw The Lord" by Ann Graham Lotz. In it she mentions that the storms of life often hold God's message to us. I decided to read through my journal to see what God might be saying to me. I read my entries leading up to my diagnosis and then throughout this time of dealing with ovarian cancer. The main theme that stands out to me is to "trust and wait"; also that God has a plan for my life. I know that there are things that I can do once I have recovered from surgery and chemo. I need to take one day at a time and not try to plan out my whole future.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)

I Am A Survivor!

2008-01-16T14:27:00.000-05:00

I was listening to a song about God showing up and I thought, "He did! He healed me!" I started to cry because I realized that I had been afraid that I would die, when I was first diagnosed with cancer. It seemed like a death sentence. I even had to battle fear of dying, when I went for the surgery. I now have such a sense of gratefulness to God for preserving my life and healing me from ovarian cancer. I am a cancer survivor!

"I will not die, but live to tell what the Lord has done." Psalm 118:17 (NLT)

Responses To Healing

2008-01-15T09:30:00.000-05:00

The morning after surgery one of my sisters called me and said "That's great news!" And I said "What news?" I vaguely remembered Dan saying something, but I wanted her to share what she had heard. I later asked my husband what the doctor had said. I needed and wanted to hear it again.

Not everyone's response to the news was positive. An old friend of the family suggested that maybe I had been misdiagnosed; in that I never had cancer in the first place, which would be why they couldn't find any cancer.

I think that sometimes people say things to try to explain what they don't understand or can't accept.I cannot explain why God healed me and others have not been healed. I am thankful for God's mercy, grace and compassion toward me.

"Oh, what a wonderful God we have! How great are his riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his methods! For who can know what the Lord is thinking? Who knows enough to be his counselor? And who could ever give him so much that he would have to pay it back? For everything comes from him; everything exists by his power and is intended for his glory. To him be glory evermore. Amen." Romans 11: 33-36 (NLT)

The Day Of Surgery

2008-01-14T11:24:00.000-05:00

I feel as if the theme for the hospital is "hurry up and wait". I was called to one area to prepare for surgery, by getting changed into a hospital gown. The nurse came and inserted the IV feed. She then said she would come back one hour before surgery to give me some pills. The original time for surgery was 10:00 am, but I wasn't taken until closer to 11:00 am. I then had to wait about 15 minutes in another area. I met one of the nurses who would be in the operating room. Apparently the consent form had expired and I needed to sign a new one. I was wheeled to just outside the operating room and I met the anethesist, who asked me some questions. I then resigned the same consent form with that day's date. The surgeon asked about an abdominal port for chemo and I said that Southlake didn't have the means to administer chemo that way so they crossed it off the form. I then was wheeled in to the operating room and within a few minutes I was asleep.

When I was taken to the operating room my husband went to wait in the designated waiting room. There was a screen that displayed the patients' names, operating room numbers, starting time of surgery and when surgery finished. After an hour and a quarter my operation stated "closed", which meant that the operation was over. My husband asked the volunteer about that and she said it must be a mistake, but fifteen minutes later the surgeon appeared and called Dan's name. He met with the surgeon in a small room. The surgeon said "This was quite astounding, we were not able to find any cancer." My husband replied that there have been "hundreds of people praying" for me; to which the surgeon said "I think it was the chemo".

When I came to in my hospital room I had a tube in my nostrils pumping oxygen; I was hooked up to IV; and I had a catheter. I was not allowed to drink water after my surgery. I was thirsty, but my husband was only able to wet my lips with a sponge-tipped wand that was dipped in water. I drifted in and out of consciousness and I could barely keep my eyes open. Dan shared the news about my surgery with me, but I didn't remember it. One of the doctors that was present during surgery visited me and Dan asked her more details. She said that they didn't see any tumour on the ovary.

Cleansing And Exercises

2008-01-04T12:21:00.000-05:00

There is preparation for the surgery that I need to do, which reminds me of spiritual truths. It is both an inner and an outer cleansing. I need to be on a liquid diet the day before surgery; I need to take a powerful laxative and later an enema. I also have to shower with a special cleanser the night before surgery and the morning of surgery. I need to put on clean pj's; use clean towels each time; and sleep on clean sheets. This is to lower the risk of infection. There are also exercises that I need to do after surgery that will help my circulation and breathing. Surgery demands an active response from me. In order to have the best recovery I need to play an active role.

My surgery, the preparations, and the follow-up exercises are a picture of my walk with God. I need to cleanse myself from wrong thoughts, attitudes and beliefs; I need to cleanse myself from the influences of the world and the devil; I need to act in line with what God has done in my life. I can't be passive; I need to exercise my faith and what I believe and know. I may be limited at first in what I can do, but I can do something. I need to be on guard that I don't allow resentment or bitterness to creep in. The breathing and coughing exercises remind me of confessing and ridding myself of any wrong attitudes, and receiving God's forgiveness, peace and grace. If I am tempted to panic or fear I need to remember that God is in control and as I breathe in deeply, I will calm down.

Confidence In Uncertain Times

2008-01-03T16:58:00.000-05:00

I have had my meeting with the surgeon and my pre-op assessments. I am heading into the home stretch of approaching surgery and then the recovery. I feel more comfortable knowing what to expect going into the surgery; but I still have some uncertainty and fear regarding the outcome of the surgery. I have committed my body and my life into God's hands. I know that God can work miracles. The doctor and the medical team don't have the final say - God does. It is because I know that God is sovereign, in control, that I can have peace. It is not that I am trying to put on a brave face. I am fearful when I worry and think of the "what ifs"; but then I have peace when I focus on God. Whatever outcome I might face God will be with me. He is already with me. Nothing surprises Him. That is why I can have confidence in uncertain times.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3 (NIV)

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." Isaiah 12:2 (NIV)

"...God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'" Hebrews 13:5b,6 (NIV)

The Seasons Of My Life

2007-12-31T10:02:00.000-05:00

It is interesting, looking back on this past year and looking ahead to 2008. I know that God uses all that we experience to work out His plan for our lives. I have had one set of chemo, which is destroying the cancer cells. In the new year I will have surgery to remove any remaing cancer and the affected organ, as well as related ones - I am having a complete hysterectomy. Then I will have some more chemo to erradicate any remaining cancer cells.

It is intersting how these procedures have been divided, not only by year, but by season. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and began treatment in autumn, which is a season where plants wither up and die. My CA125 levels went from 4095 to 58 after three rounds of chemo. The cancer, like the plants, was withering up and dying. Winter is the season that I have my surgery and remaining chemo. It is as if the soil of my life is being prepared for the new life of spring. The tumor, ovaries and nearby organs are being removed. I don't need those anymore. I am thankful for the three beautiful children that my ovaries produced and my uterus nurtured. I will be fruitful in other ways and give birth to other things in the spiritual realm. That has not ended, nor can that be taken away from me. I will be totally done chemo and able to move on by the end of spring. I am looking forward to the new life that God has for me. There have been things planted that have either weathered the harsh storms or that have lain dormant and are awaiting the spring and summer time of my life.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ... a time to plant and a time to uproot." Ecclesiastes 3:1,2b (NIV)

Gratefulness or Self-Pity

2007-12-30T07:36:00.000-05:00

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:15-17 (NIV)

I resented the fact that I needed to have surgery. I was regaining strength and health; I didn't want to be cut open and have to recover from surgery. I was struggling to have the right attitude toward surgery. I knew that I needed to be positive and to go into it with a positive attitude rather than a negative one.

As I was praying and thinking about my upcoming surgery, the thought came to me that I had a choice. I could wallow in self-pity or I could choose to be grateful. I have much to be grateful for:

I live in Canada, where the medical tests and procedures are readily available and paid for in Ontario by OHIP

When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, treatment began immediately

I have access to specialists and hospitals where I can receive treatment and have necessary surgery

All my medication is covered by my husband's health insurance plan

I have home care nurses who are paid for by CCAC

I have a wonderful family who is supportive of me in every way

I have been regaining strength and some of the weight that I had lost; I will be better equipped physically to undergo surgery

I have a caring church family, who pray and offer practical help as well

God has given me strength and His grace to cope; I know that He will be with me through the surgery and recovery

"Praise the Lord, I tell myself; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, I tell myself, and never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases." Psalm 103: 1-3 (NLT)